Deepest Fears: II, III and IV

Suppressing joy
Stifling all laughter
Stretching trivialities
Smothering all the tears
Stressing suicidal thoughts
Straining the drops of delight
Substituting reality with fantasy
Seducing slowly the heart and mind
Sustaining the lies that tear my soul apart
Sapping the remaining strength from my core

Over three years ago I wrote those words in a series on fear.
Untitled 1
Untitled 2
Deepest Fears: 1

This month I find myself re-reading Max Lucado's book Fearless,  because I'm back in that yucky place.
Maybe it's worse or maybe it's just different
but for some reason i'm back in prison
a slave of my own imagination
strapped 6 feet under in a coffin of my creation
i am warden and prisoner
enforcer and victim
and i can't shake it.

Deepest Fear #2
I can't do this much longer
This believing that He can and He doesn't
Hoping and dreaming and planning and depending and only getting silence in return
So i fear that the moment I give up is 2 seconds before he works a miracle
but i fail to recieve it because i just can't wait

Deepest Fear #3
I deluded myself
Good stuff doesn't just happen because you pray and you follow His will
maybe I am suppose to cut corners to succeed in order to be with the man I Love
maybe my definition of following His will is too strict and needs to be diluted a bit
So I fear that after all this right living I end up spending my life here alone.
Oh, of course I'm assured heaven because He is all that to me but for the x amount of years that I'm stuck on earth I'm miserable

Deepest Fear #4
Not only different chapters but different books
I want X and He is determined to give me A
and so I spend ANOTHER 5 YEARS in pain because what I want differs and HE DOESN'T SPEAK ENGLISH and so I'm left wondering and wandering
tip toeing thru' life
never being sure

I think I'm getting ready to quit
cuz I know He loves me, but then His idea of love is my idea of pain 
and I never know what His will is anyway so why should I stress it
I mean there is grace
and it covers all

so live life without these fears
and chase after what i want
break any rule that needs to be broken 
the silence, the not knowing, the Will of the One that doesn't speak English
what's the point

in conclusion
Fear is a dangerous taskmaster
the progression is slippery
Christ gave roughly 120 commands in the New Testament
and Fear Not or a derivative appear over 20 times
second place goes to "Love God and love others"... and it only appears 8 times

so yeah 
Fear NOT
not exactly sure how this is suppose to work cuz i'm crippled by fear but yeah I'll get back to you on that

forgive my playlist
I have been on the Gaither addiction for the last two weeks not sure when it is going to end, cuz there is something about the old songs that just ....


disgodkidd said...

i know this feeling kafo. there is no way around it. THIS is for THAT. in the end we still win.

akaBagucci said...

been there... sucks.. but there's life.. and there's hope.. and there's Him...

Mwajim Al said...

I know that feeling:
"His idea of love is my idea of pain". And yet, there is beauty in his perspective, no matter how blurry our vision is.

Kafo said...

@ Mwajim Al: beauty in his perspective
well said thanks,

@ akaBagucci: hmmmm, ok i think :)

@ disgodkidd: yes we win.