Limits or Boundaries

Too many thoughts are running through my mind
Futile it seems to focus on one and write and so

At what point do we realize that we are inherently evil
Does it come before or after we annihilate every other creature in an attempt to satiate our desires?

At what point does hope give way to reality.
Does it happen before or after your dreams make a mockery out of your sanity?

At what point does being American conflict with being a Christian
Does it happen when tolerance contradicts the truth or when prosperity obscures peace?

At what point do you divorce your family
Does it happen before or after your misery brings them joy?

At what point do you decide to scream in church
Does it happen before mundane ritualistic litany of prayers or does it even happen at all?

At what point do you stop believing that the Sun will shine
Does it happen before or after you fail to see it for a week or a month?

At what point do you stop listening for His voice
Does it happen before or after the silence becomes deafening and begins to scream at you?

At what point do you stop believing that He cares
Does it happen before or after tragedy attacks you from all sides and misery moves in?

At what point do you stop helping a friend in need
Does it happen before or after he leaves you in a ditch and she ignores your cries?

At what point does He stop loving you
Does it happen before or after your sins turn the ocean red

At what point do we stop trusting and believing He loves?
At what point do we decide to take matters into our own hands?
At what point does self preservation trump His divine commandments?

As i said before this is from a very cluttered mind. I started writing something totally different
and now we have this, hmmmm.... It seems everybody has a limit and then they snap
and do something uncharacteristic, unconscionable or even  criminal. I don't want
to blame it on the devil and say he is the one that makes us believe that limits
exist so I won't  but the fact remains, we all have limits set in our minds.

Christ love is limitless. He forgives each
and every sin we bring with a repentant heart
Each temptation the devil presented He was able to
withstand because there were no limits that could make Him
disobey His Father. His love is like His existence: not bound by time

i have limits
we all have limits
and then ...... 

His love steps in  
End of story

In a league of Crazy People

Call me crazy but I believe that Jesus can do something
Now more than ever these words strike a chord because here I am in a familiar place of bumnisity (the state of being a bum)
Its been almost three years since I was here at this place of complete scopelessness
(having absolutely no idea what comes next)  and so I trip and reluctantly fall into this familiar role where my dreams live in my car told only to my steering wheel because to speak them to another soul would unleash a tide of tears.

So I sit
I sit and wonder about compromise and how it has been camouflaged by family members, pastors and friends as survival and wonder if I’m crazy for rejecting their wise advise.
Each day I’m reminded that I’m in this same situation of bumful  scopelessness only because I trusted God and stayed true to His word.

I role out of bed, convinced that I’m insane cuz the sun is barely up and my mind has already done three laps of fear tinged recollection
Then I pause and embrace the craziness
I embrace it cuz I can’t find a league of normal people

David, an untrained civilian, deliverer of cheese and bread, decides to take on Goliath with stones
Noah predicted the end of the world and built a huge bunker-like device (ark) to save people
Zaccheus, a god among Ponzi scammers, returned quadrupled assets to his investors
Daniel decided that spending the night with lions was less scary than not praying
Abraham sold his land and became an illegal immigrant in a foreign country
Moses returned to a country where he was wanted for first-degree murder
Joseph turned down HOT sex with a beautiful lady with connections
Ruth, a widow moved in with her decrepit old poor mother-in-law
Hosea marries and sleeps with a possible STD infected lady
John, towncrier gave up his head to herald his cousin
Paul alerted the cops after he broke out of jail
and the list continues ...

So yeah, I get out of bed and lived the day
now as I type the day is almost over, Sunshine is here and
I don’t know

I really don’t know 

Please forget your name

forget it all
I beg you to forget my name
Blame your lost memories on the pain
Erase from your brain every moment we spent together
Do this and live.
You are no longer mine
I am dead to you
Choose a new name and embrace it
Do not even dream about the past for your bedtime whispers might betray you
and then they will find mii and return you to mii
I will then sit and watch
I will sit and watch you as you remember us
I will see you beg and I will be powerless to stop your pain
I will sit and then I will watch you die
So please my child, I beg you, please forget our name, forget us all and live.

Four months after the earthquake and life in Haiti is still a struggle
Parents are abandoning their children and telling them that they should pose as orphans in an effort to save their lives. Some are even going as far as telling their children to change their last name so that they won't be traced.
This struck a nerve cuz i come from a culture in which your family name and heritage define you and so to be confronted with a situation in which you force your kids to lie in order that they might live ....

so please
don't forget Haiti
let your thoughts give way to action

Providence by why of T.A.

Last week was horrible, i started crying on Wednesday around 8pmish took a break around 11pm, resumed an hour later and then cried till 2:47 am Thursday morning. I woke up on Thursday with a pounding headache, and the tears started to fall again. I drank some water, cuz i figured i would need it, dragged myself out of bed and went through the day.
I wasn't crying, I will just allowing the tears to fall, and fall they did for the next five days and it was annoying at times but it wasn't a rational cry, a cry that you could point to a specific event or issue. Rational crys can be logically explained this one was just pain, layered and buried that started to stink and needed a way out.

Anywayz, in the middle of my emotional not-breakdown (cuz breakdown is too serious a word, more like minor slip) I had the opportunity to go to this amazing concert. So last wednesday i was looking for lyrics to a song by Todd Agnew and stumbled on his website found out that he was going to be in Houston on Saturday for a FREE concert, and so i went and yeah let's, just say that was the only place I was last week that I felt like I needed to be there. It was honest, small, refreshing and Todd is yeah my vision of a modern-day-David, i hear his songs and I think Psalm 73, ahhh that one is more like Psalm 39 and he started with a Psalm 88 which is a very very very very depressing Psalm  song and it was yeah, just beautifully sad.
okay let mii stop gushing and say something wise

okay okay okay i'm done

This is the truth: we waste our time trying to be perfect, trying to seem like we have it all together is anti-Christian. Seriously, Paul in his letter to the church in Corinth, says we have this message in earthen vessels so not as to obscure it with our worth and this past Saturday I was blessed because i got to see a man speak and sing from His heart about his walk with God. We do a disservice to God by donning our squeaky clean masks. The church was empty (about 30 people in a place that could fit 350) and yet we all were content to draw closer to God who loves us and wants us to not be the next Oprah or Obama but just who He created us to be.  The greatest tragedy would be to spend this whole life trying to be someone else.

I realized that I can't listen to the mindless babble of principles any more. If you can't tell mii how He brought you thru' something then I don't want to hear it, I don't even want to sit in a room and discucss it. Before i could sit and discuss with the best theologians and apologist, now i have lost my appetite for good discussion. Now it's just like "dude, i need peace, patience and wisdom if you are not peddling that shut up and leave mii alone" 
and i'm Christian so if i can't stand it why will the person who has never been exposed to Him listen to your exposition that lacks personal content.

Listening to him was fantastic, i was trying to imagine Cute Micheal W. Smith  (who i love) or Casting Crowns with the full band in that same church and it would have been a waste for me to have seen them perform on Saturday. I didn't need their squeaky cleanness this week i needed the Save me Lord i'm down in the Lowlands Charlie Peacock wail.
So yeah there is something that you are suppose to do that no one else can do it so please don't waste your time trying to fit in.

One more thing
The Pastor of the church ended the concert by saying "This week sucked" and then he prayed this beautiful prayer and i just wanted to sit there for two more hours and be surrounded by people who were real, hurting, open and hoping in God.

So yeah, if you are Christian, please find a way to be real to the people who know. It isn't the easiest thing on the planet esp. if you are a born breaded and buttered Christian
:( i fail @ it on a regular basis.

If you are not a Christian then please find a real one so that they can introduce you to this Amazing God who loves you.

so enjoy the playlist in the sidebar
youtube is another good source for his music and check out David in Psalm 39, 43, 73, 77 and 139
currently i'm in 39 but 40:1 is also to my liking

525,600 minutes later

We don't stop living because we grow old; we grow old because we stop living.
George Bernard Shaw  [emphasis and substitution mine playing -> living]

a couple of things
  1. when i go to the gym today/tomorrow i will have to type in 26 ENTER instead of 25 ENTER. It's only on the treadmill that i realize I am a certain age. I guess today/tomorrow i turn 26, wow i'm closer to 30 than i am to 20. how time flies. God is good ooooooooooooooooooooooo.

  2. I'm a liar, i really think one way and act another way, chalk it up to the Logical dominant side of my brain. i opened my closest on Saturday and realized i didn't have anything that i wanted to wear. I had all this stuff i had accumulated over the last 12 years and none of them said mii. When it comes to clothes i just find it easier to conform and not dress the way i want to. I wanted a top and a following skirt that had blue in it and I don't own one. So yeah Birthday Resolution 1 is to embrace mii, first by getting rid of ALL these clothes that my sisters and friends like but isn't my style (which is like 80% of my wardrobe minus naija clothes).

  3. Facebook: I left facebook for about 2 years ago because of annoying busybodies. I returned two months ago. I'm done hiding, one thing i learned during this last year was that I answer to no living man. I don't, well i shouldn't. In reality I've been living in this prison to avoid questions by aunts and uncles that I can't stand. So i'm done. The person I talk to the most on this planet still has never been on my facebook profile picture because of this. We have been in a relationship for 3 years and yet it's like he doesn't exist.  I will still avoid confrontation when I can but i should be able to share with my friends without wondering who is copying my picture and showing it to my parents who are both in their 60's.

  4. Being an adult is not about moving out of the house or posting pictures on facebook, it's about making decisions and living with the consequences regardless of what they are. In order for mii to embrace this adulthood thingy I must be in the same chapter that God is, cuz currently we aren't even reading the same book. I want to be soo in tune so that each decision leaves mii in peace and not in pieces. So yeah Birthday Resolution 2: be on point with hearing from God.

  5. Birthday Resolution 3: getting rid of baggage. There are some people that I allow to affect me that just bring  emotional baggage. Now i have to admit that normally this is not the case but in the last 3 years I have allowed it to just build and pile up. Then there are the stuff that just is too heavy to carry emotionally that needs to be let go. So yeah, i need to identify and delete this stuff/people cuz i'm closer to 50 than i am to a newborn and very soon i will have to start thinking about arthritis medication.
  6. The quote above by Shaw haunts mii, i dream about the future and logical postpone all the things i want to do today for tomorrow. It needs to stop cuz i think ever since i turned 14 i acted like i was 50 always doing the logical thing and putting off the things i really want to do. I have gotten soo good at this that even when i have the chance to do things i either can't remember what i want to do or just fall back into the habit of being a rational soul.