I wake up in the morning and pray and have devotion and then based on the last week choose the issue/person that will be the subjects of the fast and every hour on the half hour until i break the fast I pray on the issues/subject.
It seems simple enough, today is the day that i, you know, get an extra dose just so i can make it to the weekend.
Today is Wednesday and i cried (not a real cry but still the tears fell voluntarily)
So i woke at 8am because in my dream I was a Vietcong POW and saw seeing some pretty gruesome stuff.
Drag myself out of bed, pray, make my fast list and then head over to my aunt's place to tutor her in Math.
Get in the car, call a friend from undergrad who gives me her wonderful good news and I'm reminded on this day of fasting and praying that in 2004 I prayed and he didn't answer. Of course thoughts like this one don't visit alone and so the futility or dreamlike unreality of the consummation of my beautiful relationship with CSO comes into focus.
but.... math rescues.
Get to my aunt's place and do math. Math is a sweet pot. Tutoring math is cool and so it took my mind off of unanswered prayes and then she asks me to fill out this paperwork for her sister and BAM. Answered Prayer number 2 gets SHOVED in my face. Another prayer met with silence. FIVE FREAKING YEARS of praying this prayer. :(
Leave her place around noon, make it to my mechanic who tells me I have to drop 600 bucks.
Now it's 2pm, and I'm standing outside John's place (my mechanic) and the tears come, because everyday I have prayed for my car and now I need to drop 600 dollars a month before school is out. I touch my car and pray for its parts. I've prayed and somehow He didn't see it fit to answer this prayer.
Out of the three unanswered prayers that I got shoved down my throat today this one just stung the most cuz it's current.don't get me wrong. I know God blesses and answers prayers and He even eclipses some of my afflictions with His glory so that I'm oblivious to their existence. The fact that the car lasted this long is a testimony but is too much for Him to see it thru to the end?
Is it really too much for me to ask that the prayers I do voice he answers? I don't expect Him to answer all of them but seriously, my car ????
Is that really too much for this child to ask?
kick my CSO off the phone cuz he is talking Psalms 39 and I'm like dude I'm at 42 about to migrate to 88 so 39 isn't helping cuz the last verse in 39 i'm still trying to deal with it
get into my car
bring out KafoTouch hit shuffle
I'm first greeted by David Crowder Band's How He Loves while the tears of frustration stream down my face and then Shekinah Glory's Praise is What I do reminds me that my wisdom tooth needs to be dealt with (no dental insurance) because try as I might i can't sing the song without pain coursing thru' my veins.
Make it to campus, sit in front of a waterfall, break my fast and pray.
As i sit i'm reminded that even on days when He doesn't answer ANY of the PRAYERS that i ACTUALLY PRAY when I FAST, He still loves mii and prayer is my drug of choice.
* i actually meant whine to God like David did in the first 10 verses of Psalm 77.