corners become mii
and i lose the freedom to say no
and so i strike,
hard and swift at anyone,
at anything that threatens
my need to say yes

Cleaning out my closest PART 2


I love control.
Not the traditional control but the emotional one.
I know for a fact that there are few things in this life i can control and so i master the ability to control my response and the amount of heart interaction I have.

I love to cry.
There is something about being able to give yourself a headache that just makes mii happy. There is something about waking up the next morning and realizing that your head is pounding because you didn't stop crying, there is something about the puffy eyes that just sets things back in order. It is weird.

I hate plans.
Plans take away freedom and the loss of freedom is the loss of control. Somehow in my beautiful brain i have managed to convince myself that if no one knows my plans then i don't have to stick to them. So i am free to change my mind.

I hate sharing.
Whenever i have bared my soul to someone i feel like i have surrendered a part of mii and that i am no longer in control, whenever i tell someone something i didn't originally plan to tell them, i get boiling mad with myself and also with them because they mad mii deviate from the original plan. I like sharing but on my own terms, not theirs.

I hate advice.
There is something about you telling mii what i already know that just makes mii want to scream, it does, it really does, now if you knew something that i didn't already know and you wanted to share it with mii, cool but if you are just going to tell mii something that i already know save your saliva, especially when i am crying or mercy if i just shared something with u that i wasn't planning to, your crimes just got magnified.

So yeah as i said initially
it all comes back to control
not the conventional way of control but the mental crazy way
there is something about being dependent on people that has changed the way this gets played out, so instead of mii getting ticked off about dealing with annoying disrespectful kids, adults that expect you to clean the ground the walk on, or people taking your belongings and wearing it or spending hours on the phone dealing with their credit issues no that stuff is easy

so yeah
i am ticked off cuz i spent an hour telling this person stuff i didn't want to tell her.
okay maybe it was more like 30 minutes but still

Oh my word, if you understand this you will cry from laughter

this version is not as good as the facebook version i saw today
but close your eyes and imagine it

if you have a facebook page

check it out there

One question

i can't sleep
one question on my mind

why does obama go on trips with his WHOLE FAMILY ALL THE TIME

i thought he was going to Moscow on Business but there you see the children again
it's like every trip is a vacation for his wife and kids

i don't understand


Cleaning out my closet part 1

i'm writing this for mii, it really isn't a well written piece of anything
just ramblings that need to be put out in public
so i can get my act together

i was going to go to bed
i had so much stuff to do today and i finally accomplished it all around 11pm and i was feeling good and then i came to my blog to listen to music and realized OOPS U HAVE ISSUES

i will eventually get my act together and words will flow like honey
but this is the sandpaper process necessary for the smooth finish

it's been too long

oh my word
i didn't mean to be gone so long
it has been 3 months since i have written from my heart.
yes i must admit that i did post in may but now that i go back and read them they lack mii.
the last thing came from the depths of mii was on April 23rd

not writing isn't really a problem in the grand scheme of things
i mean i still spend 10+ hours typing junk for school so......
but what really gets mii is that it speaks to the greater issue
mii not speaking
mii not speaking truth
mii not speaking the unspoken

i haven't prayed in like forever
i pray, u know the small 5 minute checklist of thank you God for this and help my sister with that
but i haven't just chilled in his presence and had a prayer session where i wasn't looking at my watch

i tried on Wednesday and it was unbelievably hard i think after minute 10 i was back to square one
now don't get mii wrong every day like clock work i wake up and spend at least 30 minutes in the word reading and learning and being challenged
but my prayer life just sucks

i used to pray with Sunshine and then one day i kicked him off my phone cuz i felt like he was pressuring mii to pray, that was like 2 weeks ago or so

i am not going to church in the morning
which is in like 8 hours
my reason
the emptiness

some people skip church cuz they feel like crap and are too lazy
but church is 7 minutes down the street and i can always find a naija outfit to put on that doesn't requiring ironing and my hair, please another story
so yeah

i am skipping church because it serves as a veil to cover up my tumultuous relationship with God

i know that if i go to church i will smile, people will draft mii to do something
and once again i will be pulled into the busyness of Christianity
which normally is a welcomed diversion but now
it is just empty
i love the business of church
i love trying to find innovative ways to get the message across
wait i have to go to church
cuz next week i have to put together the service and all i have is the speaker
i need to find people to do praise and worship
okay i will wake up, pray FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES
and take it from there
i don't have to make it to the church service i just have to be there before they close so i can grab people to do what i need them to do next week. weird, my ability to switch it off and back on at will , not wierd more like disturbingly scary in a hellish kinda way

so yeah
stripped of all the makeup

The complexity of Christianity is its simplicity

I want to say more
I want to expound on these seven words
but the clock is ticking and once again I am reminded
that the more I talk and the less I act
obscurity becomes my activity
and my reality further cloaks his divinity in
a veil of mediocrity

i guess i just wrote something
okay let's not get our hopes up it is just a couple of lines

so i think i will go to bed now
wake up, pray, come back here and dish some other stuff out
i just need it out of mii and being that i am queen of evasive phone conversations ...
i could talk to everyone on my phone list and still not say anything
mercy i am good at one sided conversations
not sure if that is a good thing tho. hmmmm

so yeah
this is part 1 of cleaning out my closet
part 2 will come in a couple of hours

happy sabbath