I am speechless

I try not to browse the news webpages but today I did
and this is what i found

have at it

Quarter Life Crisis: 1- Spontaneity

So it only seems fit that this quarter life crisis thingy should begin with an out of the box action, this wasn't intentional but then again if i had planned it, it wouldn't be so crazy.

Today i had to call all of my sisters (WHO DID NOT PICK UP THEIR PHONES) and all of my friends (the unmarried ones, cuz calling married people after 11 pm is just not polite) to make my decision and all of them came to the same conclusion

and yet even after all of that
it still took great effort for mii to take the leap.

I am logic, everyday, even when i am angry i have to try and convince myself that the rage is justified if not i can't seem to work myself up about it.
I am numbers, everyday, give mii the spreadsheet and i will tell you the best course of action
I am plans, everyday, come to mii without a plan and i will not even consider your proposal, talking i can freestyle but trips and relationships all fit into their own little box packed away in my brain's cabinet.

I got off the phone with Sunshine, reminiscing about the last two years of our unique relationship and how our anniversary is in a couple of days and then Mudiwa called and we talked shop then i said i needed to get off the phone and that the next time she will talk to mii I will be in Indy and then she said are you coming home and I said no that was a mistake and then she said you should look at prices and see what's what of course i said no.

then thefriend sent a text wanting to know if i had a minute to talk i said i did
i called her and then she told mii what was going on and then asked why i was quiet
i said i'm a quiet person
and then she launches into this whole "is this the new kafo of the latter part of 2009 that i will have to be dealing with...."
and then i told her what my mind was doing
and she backed up Mudiwa and said yeah you should do it
her words
"you love him, that's good cuz i was starting to wonder about that"
then i told her how much it might cost and she said
"why do you always have to put a dollar sign on your relationship (OUCH) and ....."
and so i said i will check it out and see how much it cost
if the one way ticket for a flight leaving in less than 12 hours was >200 i wouldn't do it
i logged on to priceline and it was 100 bucks
so then i called Jman and he said "Kafo follow your heart" then i laughed him off and he was like why do girls get to tell each other follow your heart and i can't do the same.
and then I called Oge and she said "Yeah do it, it isn't really that big of a deal"

mercy i didn't have to convince any of them

of course none of the sisters picked up the phone but VIxen had earlier said i suck at this love thing and Junior wants mii home anyway to baby her and Poetic Justice hmmmm i'll find out tomorrow
of course i have to call my uncle in Texas to let him know i'm out for a week and a half and
who else
i don't know

so yeah
i did it
what did i do
i bought a ticket to go home to Indy for 10 days
i bought a ticket TODAY to go to indy IN LESS THAN 12 HOURS
i spent 100 bucks on this one way ticket from Omaha to Indy and honestly it was hard cuz i'm not a spur of the moment kind of girl. I think things thru but yeah
okay so i'll keep you posted on how the week pans out
keep in mind that all i have is a backpack full of gear
which equals
1 journal
1 bible
2 books (Lynn Austins Strength of His Hand and The Butterfly in Brazil book)
3 tops,
1 pair of shoes (snickers)
my laptop
a pair of jeans
oh and of course 3 underwear
2 pairs of jailbait socks
1 toothbrush
(did i mention that i haven't combed my hair this month)
this was all supposed to last for the 2 days i was in Nebraska and now i am getting on a plane not back to Houston but to Indy
oh my word
my mother is going to freak out
i'm freaking out
this is soo not mii
i wonder what will happen next during this self induced quarter life crisis

stay tuned.

Sabbath Series: 17 Chasing Sanity

How do you
Hope without hurting
Dream without screaming
Live without dying


Responses to Dear God

so i boycotted my blog cuz i had finals and all this other stuff i needed to accomplish and then i came back to all these wonderful comments, most of which made mii cry (sniffle sniffle).
thanks y'all ( with my texas twang)
i really don't know how long this mental deliberation will take it just is a constant rollercoaster, i was in church yesterday and i oscillated between standing up and walking out cuz the pastor was talking about shaving his face when i was in need of a quardriple bypass but instead i sat there and just fumed and then cried and then started praying.
i don't know
it really seems like i should have mastered this whole disappointment thingy with God but yeah i haven't
what else
oh that class with the test, i aced it it makes absolutely no sense to mii but God is good the semester is over and my overall GPA basically remained the same.

@ disgodkidd: i prayed, u haven't contacted mii yet ooooooooo

@ Good Naija Girl: i wonder about the balance sometimes, having faith yet at the same time shielding your heart from the chance of disappointment. So yeah i agree with you that faith is important but how do we balance that with reality.

@ Adaeze: if deep down in your heart you don't b elieve in yourself, is that true faith? hmmm i wouldn't say i don't believe, i know He Can I just am not sure if He will so i am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that He says no. It's not a matter of faith, it's a matter of His will vs. your will and it just seems like for mii the two don't intersect so i'm trying to abandon my will and my dreams so that His Will won't leave mii shattered.

@ Remi: James chapter 1, and then Psalms 37 which i have this theological love for i constantly claim versus 23-25. I like what you wrote about vs. 5 tho' never thought about it that way praying for understanding and alignment of his timings .... i like that

to have no expectations means to have no hope hmmmmmmmmmmm
i guess you are right
it's just that it hurts too much to expect
and with each door that comes slamming shut in my face that i didn't expect a part of mii dies and not to sound melodramatic but i think ... i dunno i lost my train of thought

thank u soo much i love listening to u, actually i'm not listening more like reading, full of hope and with beautiful confidence and optimisim. it's hot in a spiritual kind of way :)

@ poeticallytinted: it was freud dang it i thought it was some greek philosopher like Socrates

@ StandTall: it's not easy, too true. each time u leave a comment or i visit your page i wonder about your hair and never ask, so yeah i'm asking is that really your hair and if so what is the story

@ Debbie: you sound like a combination of my fave. D. Lawrence and Marvin Sapp songs

@ Jaycee: hey darling LOL. i love the CC song, but then again i don't think there is a song they have that doesn't have a deep message.

@ The Life of a Stranger Called Me: i am taking your words and those of Remi and printing them out on little notecards and posting them on the door of my room and the steering wheel of my car. I am beyond serious.

Lyrically Live: 3 Dear God

sometimes you find your thoughts on someone else's lips and hear the beauty of the mind.

It feels so good to make it this far
And i didn't think i could take it so long
There were days i wanted to quit
I said surely this is it
But i held on

If 5 years ago I was shown my life today
I would have jumped off a cliff, no doubt.
I never wonder how I made it thru
It's all about trusting U.

I realized some didn't make it
I could've been one of the ones who lost my way
And there was times Lord i know i almost went crazy
But i'm still here with my life

The cost of my experiences to this date
should have rendered mii insane
the stability of my mind is a gift
anchored in my belief in U such matchless grace

It may not be all that i hope for
And every dream has not yet been realized
But to see your face one day
God I know its all gonna be worth it
Thank u for every mountain every valley
God every thing u brought me thru

I didn't realize what it meant to carry my cross.
Denying to self strips my soul bare,
But i'm beginning to let go and accept it all
This rollercoaster ride of faith flings situations
That still boggle my mind,
but knowing that this all prepares mii to spend eternity
is reason enough to thank You for the storms
regardless of the earthly outcome

Okay so i went home last weekend and God for some reason after 4 months of fasting and praying decided not to answer my prayer. I mean it was my birthday weekend so I was expecting Him to be extra merciful on this pitiful child of his. :(
No, there was nothing I could do, it was God 100 percent and He left mii hanging and it hurt, it still does on some visceral level but I'm learning to abandon my dream of fulfillment on this planet, really i think that is what hurts the most, my dream of how this is all suppose to end. For some reason God thinks I can handle this, i would respectfully disagree and say that i'm two seconds from calling it quits and checking out but sanity still sleeps in my bed so I must conclude that God is right that I can handle this. I don't know.

I don't know if my philosophy is the right one, or if my theological deliberations have screwed up my mind but this earth no longer holds appeal and so as I daily die to self i'm letting go and no longer expecting an earthly miracle, I know He can and if he does cool and if he doesn't it's still cool (i guess). i still will pray and believe but not expect.

i don't know if that makes sense
but yeah
i'll let you know how long this viewpoint lasts and its advantages and disadvantages in the future.

thank you all for wishing mii a blessed birthday
after finals this week i will break out my list of how to induce a quarter life crisis.
have a peaceful week

Decision Time masquerading as Quarter Life Crisis

Today is my birthday, not tomorrow or the day before or yesterday.
25 years ago, today May 3rd 1984 I was born,
not May 4 as my passport, driver's license and all other documentation would suggest.

I was born today oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The first man that i fell in love had a lil problem with numbers, this problem has manifested itself in various aspects of his life. For instance, he got golden age birthday cards for over 3 years because no one really knew the year he turned 50. He is gifted with words, but numbers ... ahh let's just say that is not exactly his forte.

So it would make sense that one of his four lovely daughters will have a birthdate that is not her birthday and being that Vixen got the brains, Poetic Justice got the knack for organization, Junior got the name, JUNIOR and the personality so it seemed fitting that his third daughter would be the one who has to pay the price for his lack of numberknowing, Of course his deficiency became her efficiency and let's just say that numbers and math are like honey to her.

Anyways enough third person talk

For the first ten years of my life i celebrated my birthday on May 4, until 1995 when we found my father's 1984 diary and saw that I was actually born on May 3 and that as a pastor, on May 4 he was speaking at a man's funeral. For the next 15 years of my life i embarked on a choose a date for your birthday. All depending on the year I would pick which ever date worked the best for mii, this of course drove the rest of the family crazy but the had no choice.

Today that all ends,
I am 25 and determined to have my quarter life crisis issues, here's the time i believe and have theortically hypothesized and concluded that if i go thru all that crisis issues now at 50 I will not abandon my family and shack up with a younger man. I will be releasing very soon a list of things that i will hope to accomplish and a list of laws to live by during this year so that i trully experience a crisis or whatever people go thru.

But as i was saying, the indecisiveness and inability to stick to one option is done. I hate making choices i hate having to decide mercy I AM NOT THE DECIDER so anything that requires a decision that doesn't involve numbers adding up drives my logical mind bonkers. But now I am going to live life INCLUDING HAVING ONLY ONE BIRTHDAY and taking the consequences as they come, I don't know how regular people do it but it seems like for the last 6000 years people have survived with one day as their birthday.

So yeah
today is my birthday ooooooo
of course now i have to inform all the people i know who think tomorrow is my birthday and let them know that i have finally made up my mind and i'm sticking to this date for THIS LIFE.