i read over what i wrote in the previous post and it really does make sense to mii
so here is the scenario (technically i am suppose to be paying attention to Dr. Deng but once again he is speaking a language (partial derivatives) foreign to mii so an update seemed like the most time effective thing to do)

Okay so here's the story
I have to give it to you in parable form
This is a story about a couple of people living in Vegas. In Vegas there are numerous ways to get rich but only one truly legal and righteous way to do it. Many people have come and gone and over the years have used illegal, wrong and unrighteous ways to succeed and they have. There are four people who have chosen to get rich the legal way and haven't cut any corners for the last ten years they have fasted, prayed, worked and done all they could do within the bounds legality.

There is one lottery that they can play which is legal and every year they have applied and prayed that they would get it. This past year a friend who lives in Brazil asked one of them to apply for the lottery for one of their friend's sister even tho' this person has not gone thru the struggle for the last 10 years and like a good Christian, she did.

She applied for this person in Brazil (the sibling of a friend of a friend) and suprisingly this year the friend of a friend's sibling won the lottery, while the four friends who have done everything right over the last 10 FREAKING YEARS were once again left hanging

that's the story

so yeah i found myself having to praise God for blessing another person with something that I have been on my knees begging for for the last 10 years and if one MORE person decides that this is the time to tell mii the obvious God is good, in his time he will do it I WILL SCREAM

now if one of my partners in MISERY (PIM) as i like to call them got this large sum of money i would have no problem rejoicing cuz we have all cried together and kept the law together and prayed and fasted together but to have this award of money come to my house but addressed to some other person who is in Brazil and who hasn't gone thru this struggle is something i did not even consider, it is one thing for u not to win the money it is another thing for a person in your house who has broken every single law possible to win.

so yeah it was a new kind of pain disguised in praise and honestly i didn't think it could hurt this much, but then again i have never considered that this would happen, that God would bring the carrot soo close only to leave mii hungry once again :( i really try and wonder what i did wrong in my last life as a elephant did i step on all the cockroaches or did i eat all the bananas cuz this just blows.

end of story

on a side note, i have to vent against all the friend, siblings (2 out of 3) and PARENTS (both of them) who have tried to console mii

i don't need people to preach to mii
when i share i am just stating a fact
normally i don't share becuz they all think they can fix it and their attempts piss mii off
normally when junk like this happens like when i had to turn down a 14 thousand dollar scholarship and 15 thousand dollars stipend for myself. i worked it out, cried, prayed, listen to music and got thru it, i always do, the two sides of my brain go back and forth and after about 17 rounds the good side wins, of course some of those rounds are lost hence the tears but at the end good always triumph.

disappointment and i are very well acquainted so why do these people who are NOT IN THE SITUATION try so hard to give mii comfort. :(
(now if u are a PIM then you can talk and i will listen cuz we are in this junk together but if not...)

i don't want these people to bumble thru' and try and come up with words cuz NOTHING they can say can make it better
i just want them to accept that fact and go and pray to their Father in Heaven to have mercy on mii
why is this soo hard for people to understand,
why do they proceed to tell mii the obvious
seriously it pisses mii off it's like telling a person who is outside on a beautiful day that the sun is shining. DUH of course the sun is shining i don't need you to tell mii it is, cuz seriously u insult my intelligence when u do. so yeah can my family please skip the whole God is good, he has a plan, and this is how he blessed mii in 1986 cuz it isn't helping, i don't need to be preached to, i don't need to be reminder of his goodness i am well acquainted with his blessings and promises and timetable i just need to cry for like 39 hours, give myself a headache and move on.

this might seem conceited but it seems like people think for some reason that talking and giving advice helps but for mii it is like i am telling you this so u will know that's it i am not looking for advice or medicine there is NOTHING u can say to make it better so please don't try. i know it all, i do, all the things God did in your life, i know, all the promises in the bible i know, i do. so stop reiterate to them to mii in a sympathetic voice aughh.

i mean just because i am crying and in pain does NOT mean i took leave of my senses or suffered amnesia.

all u can do is pray and u don't pray to mii so get on your hands and knees and pray to God
this has nothing to do with u, it is all about mii and my anger and frustration and if it really hurts u to shut up and keep your opinions to yourself eat ice cream.
i am sane, i just like crying my frustration out.

so yeah
after rejoicing, dancing and praising God with the brazilians for two hours
they left the house to go to a wedding and
then i got to climb in my bed and cried for two hours
went to church for the evening program
came back home cried for a couple more hours
typed up the previous blog, i really like it now that i read it in retrospect
woke up (with a splitting headache) cried in the shower
went to prayer breakfast on sunday morning at church then got in my car drove to school
and cried as i drove it was so cool cuz it was rainy really hard outside and i was crying inside
and cried for like 3 more hours
and then studied with my head ache that i gave myself
went to the gym listened to my stellar cheer mii up playlist (isreal, micheal card, marvin sapp, yolanda etc)
and then drank a lot of water cuz i think i had cried and sweated off all my water
and now things are semi back to normal.

so yeah
God is good.
pray for mii

i really should pretend to listen to him try so hard to teach us about Constraint Force and legal acceleration but ........................


LusciousRon said...

Nothing to say. Hope you do feel better.

simeone said...

wow..sori if i sound insensitive..but " i just need to cry for like 39 hours, give myself a headache and move on" ..sounds funi..
i remember when i cried while driving too for about 30 mins..i got to my destination and had to stay in the car for another 10 mins to make myself wasn't cool then was like hell...
have fun kafo..

Remi, United Kingdom said...

You have a right to scream vent if you want to. You are only human, how else will you let out and let go of the frustration you are feeling?

From experience, I too am waiting for something, and it has been a loooooooooooooooooooong wait oh. chei! and then I have to not just be thankful for others but actually help them and deliver them to their destiny. Helping in all sense of the word. Ah it is hard not to be disgruntled and angry, it takes courage to praise and keep strong.

However, remember King David, no one lamented and complained like him oh, but he was still a man after God's heart. Even in his lament, like you are doing, he still praised God, prayed for his enemies and still hoped in God, and God did come through. So if it makes you feel berra, abeg shout, scream cry, tell people to shut up or get out ur face if you need to. (but try not to be rude sha! :-)) )

I know God see's all u are going through and how painful the situation is for u. I pray He will give you beauty for ahses, sooner than you think, washing all the wait and pain, replacing it with immense peace and joy.

Much Love - x

Robyn said...

am glad there are people out there that dont take shortcuts to make a dime.
there is money in honesty.

platypus said...

i feel u on this one..sometimes crying just makes me feel beta even though i know it doesn't solve gives the feeling of a new fresh start just like how the weather feels after a heavy downpour and everywhere is so fresh and clean...God is never in a hurry..ur lines will fall in pleasant places all in good time..xoxo...

Kafo said...

@ LusciousRon: well said

@ simeone: none offense taking

@ Remi: amen ooooooooooo

@ Robyn: $$$

@ platypus:true

Good Naija Girl said...

Awww, I'm sorry. Please continue to hold fast to your will pay off. It's very hard to wait for God's timing but I'm told that His time is perfect.

Sending you a big hug right now.

@Remi thanks for that helped

Buttercup said...

I can totally understand ur anger and frustration.


disgodkidd said...

i have been too busy lately. i need to sit still and put my legs up with this blog...hopefully this weekend..

Daydah said...

kafo....i feel u on this also waiting for something and its killing me.....
Got tears streaming down my cheeks.
I think we should read purpose driven live instead of the other book, cos it will help us right now...
I'll just shut up and pray for u can excel in spite of the headache...
I had to watch the two weddings in the space of two weeks - and i had to attend cos mum kept saying 'if u dont go they'll think u r not happy for them'...
It was hard work smilin for two weekends...
Sorry - this is ur blog not mine....
Will pray for you..

JustDB said...

Well... Guess time and chance happens (ooops you said you didn't want to hear that).. OK.. slaugther me then!!!

Rita said...

Nothing wrong in being human
I remember when I found myself in a similar situation and all my best friend could do was say - Rejoice with those who rejoice. I wondered - how can I be rejoicing when someone else easily got what I have wanted for years. And then I stopped in my tracks and wondered what if my friends and sisters did not rejoice with me when I achieved something wonderful? What if they were so caught up in the fact that I had got what they dreamed of all their lives? So i wiped my tears away and started praising God with a fresh understanding of the words - Sacrifice of Praise...

You are in my prayers.

The poets voice ~~~ said...

The honest path is always the best and it'll pay off in the end.

You are human and you have to have to get your pain and frustration off your chest...its fine to cry, scream, shout....

Let your pain be like footprints in the sand where it can be washed away by the waters of time.

I was/am going through a similar situation and I feel you rite now but I have learnt (and still learning) that if one door shuts, then a bigger one is about to be opened.

You remain in my prayers. x

Kafo said...

@ the poet's voice: i love your words "let your pain be like footprints in the sand where it can be washed away by the waters of time."

@ rita: amen ooo, i need prayers. no doubt

@ justDB: i will come looking for u

@ Daydah: yeah my mom said she ran into u at one of them and asked about yours, u brought tears to my eyes

@ disgodkidd: take your time no rush

@ GoodNaijaGirl: i'm recieving the hug oooooooooooo thanks :)

@ Buttercup: that is all i want, understanding

Bibi said...

*sigh* at times when i feel really low, i try to think about people who have no home, no food to eat. a friend of mine has a picture she sends to people where this little boy who was starving for food, was caught picking up the shit of a cow that just passed him by to eat. that makes me feel better. that no matter what i'm going throug, there's someone else who's going through worse.

KM said...

I feel ya.
Job's comforters were also "clouds without rain," but they meant well.
God told them to hush too... and Job to sacrifice on their behalf.
When you have cried, cover the people who only mean well.

As for the people who just want to be all up in your mix... hey, we have ways and means of dealing with them, lol!

feather said...

we feel you

StandTall-The Activist said...

Hi, stop by my blog to read what Jaycee said about you in her interview. Thanks

KJB said...

When you're ready, you will ______...and that's a blank only you can fill :).