9 years 364 days

Words fail so tears fall
As my mind tries to capture it all
Dreams lay strewn across the floor
as I try once again to make sense of it all

One day, one step

No, I’m tired of waiting
I’m tired of explaining away the pain, that courses through my veins
I’m tired of avoiding questions that are so plain in a futile attempt to maintain this charade
I’m tired of the need to feign happiness at their success
but most of all I’m tired of being confined to this domain

One day, one step

I pause, and think and finally I remember
I remember the ignorance of my youth and foolhardy decisions and your guidance in spite of my actions
I remember Your voice guiding mii thru the night with a light that shined so bright, igniting this fire that makes mii write.
I write to lead, I write to inspire, I write to incite others to aspire and reach for this relationship that sometimes seems like walking the wire
but most of all I write to remember how you have led mii thru this
I remember Your provision when the coffers where empty and Your touch when I was lonely
the air I breathe in daily makes me recall how you held me firmly but mostly it reminds mii of your grace

One day, one step

Thank You Lord for this journey,
9 years 364 days and counting
thank you for the pain,
thank you for the tears that stain and help me maintain my focus
and attain for that peace that only you can sustain.
Lord you are Holy and good and even though my dreams lay shattered on this floor
I’m here, still standing, still waiting
and even tho’ some days it hurts mii to the core and I seem so unsure when others pass me by
I’m here, still standing, still waiting
still hoping, still dreaming
Hell no
I'm letting go. I’m living, teaching, breathing, acting, serving, asking, searching, praising, dancing, eating, crying, learning, writing, singing, preaching, trusting
knowing full well that in the end all that matters is where my steps lead
and each step brings me closer to the only goal that is worth reaching

One day, one step
until I am with You.

tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of mii being here in the US and as I sit on my bed and go thru my journals of the last nine years, as I think of the dreams that have been shelved and others that have been born, as I think of the hills, valleys and mountains crossed and those yet to come, i'm oddly content cuz somewhere and somehow it stopped being about my Ph.D and white picket fence and started being about this relationship with Him. I must admit that I have a constant stream of bad days where crying is the least of my flaws but i'm learning that it's one choice, one day, one step at a time.


Nicole said...

Hi. I read your blog all the time. I really like this. I hope that you like being in the US for the most part. Although it can be a huge pain in the ass when you think you have gotten far and still have far to go. But you know something, you doing all right because you have an outlet and someone to help you through. Good luck on your journey and we wish you many more days here. Until you decide to leave.

~ScotchBiscuits~ said...

10 years has to be emotional! I have to say you are brave. I kept a journal the first year and then it all became unbelievably too much. too much to wrap words around atleast.
I can not claim to know what your story is, but I can imagine enough to sense a certain kinship. I wish you wholeness and peace. Happy 10th-you survivor!!!

Kafo said...

@ Nicole: i like it for the most part, the scary thing is becoming assimilated to the point of having to TRY to remember where u are really from. Amen ooooooooooo

@ ScotchBiscuits: the journaling started my second year in when i thought the world would end in 2000 and now i have over 9 books full of stuff. Thanks

KM said...

Congrats on the milestone, Kafo. :)
The journey doesn't end, no matter where on God's beautiful Earth you stand. You will always have more to learn, more to see, more to do, further to stretch, further to grow. Never will you master the fullness of God. But always will He be present with you.


naijalines said...

Congrats on your anniversary. beautiful and positive post.

The poets voice ~~~ said...

ah kafo..this is beautiful and touching especially where you said:"but most of all I write to remember how you have led mii thru this"..waiting is so tiring but amazingly during your wait things are happening which you cannot see. God is at work dear!
(10 yrs? ko easy.LOL)

Afrobabe said...

Thank God for all your achievements, he will definately give you strenght to get through the future...

Saved Girl said...

wow, great post. your blog is so positive and encouraging.

Robyn said...

you speak for us all Bro.being away from Home really sucks but thank God we here to make it thru.with time the dreams will be unshelved n dusted.Happy anniversary.

yankeenaijababe said...

Congrats on your anniversary, I can imagine how 10 years feels like.Wow!!! Try not to feel depressed of anything, keep your faith in God and all will be well. I hope you feel better. Much love Kafo

simeone said...

yeah ,..1 step 1 day at a time..that how we climb any mountain....
touchin stuff,..the Lord will continually be ur strength.....hugz

Jaycee said...

Aww, I really enjoyed this post Kafo. That's all we can do really...take one step at a time, just letting God move us with His mighty right hand. See, the more we try to do it ourselves, the more we come to know that we don't even know the first thing of doing it "right." :)

disgodkidd said...

He who has begun a good work in you will surely complete. You have a goodly heritage.

SimpleeMe said...

All things work together for good to them that love the Lord...it will surely be well :)

Olufunke said...

10 years!!!!
I know its been God, through the hills and the valley's
I love your post on it,
Looking forward to more of your testimonies here.
And what can we say....we all join you in thanking God for how far He has brought you!

stuck in my throat o said...

The most striking thing about this post, is that it is very heartfelt. I am not sure if I have ever been to your blog, but this post hit me.

Kafo said...

@ stuck in my throat o: thanks for stopping by, pray tell what is stuck in your throat LOL

@simpleMe and Olufunke and disgodkidd: amen ooooo

@ Jaycee:well said. u always find a way to summarize my thoughts so succintly thanks

@ simeone: se u will post mii my hug?

@ yankeenaijababe: i think i'm young at least i tell myself that

@ Robyn, saved girl, naijalines and Afrobabe: thanks

@ thepoetsvoice: :) i didn't realize how much i had written over the years until i put all the journals in one room and then i realized wow i've been writing for a while now

@ KM well said


Enkay said...

Hi. My first time on your blog and this post really touched me.

Truly, no matter how long it's been or what we've been thru ....."knowing full well that in the end all that matters is where my steps lead..." says it all!

Congratulations dear! Your best years are still ahead!

simeone said...

we are currently workin on a new technology better than posting..loll

Debbie said...

Nicely written, enjoyed reading this, God will work with you and take care of you.
it is all in his hands

naijalines said...

One step at a time...the best way to go.

BTW, got a new template. Please see if it agrees with your eyes:-)

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Kafo this trully is an encouraging post, that indeed in the waiting, and even though time is passing by, it is and has always been about you and HIM. I am so happy for you.

Jinta said...

10 years! thank God the world's that little bit smaller now and one can more easily move from one end to the other

feather said...

its lovely. don't pretend anymore. Its okay to be down sometimes

Izabella Lucas said...

Oh dear friend,

This post was beautiful! And how well can I understand you... I've been here 13 years and recently did a retrospect to find that in these past 13 years, I have lived in 5 states and had 14 different addresses... This crazy ocean of life can be rough, tossing us from side to side. But I am certain you too will find the shore soon. If not the shore, a really nice boat you can jump into.