The simplicity of his words
the beauty of his tired smile
the familiarity of his touch

this is all that matters
i'm home

Spoken Word: The Secret Life of Hymns

so this is the piece i wrote for my friend.She is putting together a night dedicated to hymns and this is the intro

Amazing Grace,
Grace, Grace, this life is a race and as we take each pace it would do us good to pause
and retrace the steps of those who have gone before us.
Their lives are etched in the hymns we sing, stripped clean and keep pristine by simple melodies.
Not made for movie stars or generated for memoirs,
They instead explore the core of the Christian existence.
Listen to the stories not awarded with Grammys.
Billboard charts and UK Top 40s can’t eclipse their significance,
Because they were born in the struggle and forged in the fire so they have been preserved to draw us closer to the One who alone offers peace that this would cannot understand or replicate.
So dedicate the next couple of minutes to contemplate the beauty of their message,
get lost in the simplicity of their faith yet complexity of their lives and learn to yearn for a closer walk with Jesus because he alone, He alone allows us to say in the midst of the storm, it is well it is well with my soul

it is less than 90 seconds :(

Brevity NOT A GIFT??????

I'm on this new say-what-u-got-to-say-in-5-minutes-or-shut-up trip.
I don't know why maybe it is school and mii wanting to spend my time studying and not listening to people gab.

What makes it so sad is that it is now affecting mii.
I am losing my ability to talk and listen for significant amount of time.

My brain has been spitting poetry in weird places like showers, class rooms, public restrooms, and they are all short.
I don't get it.
Last night my girl needed a thingy for this bash she is having in Cali and it ending up being 13 lines of course beginning in the shower and ending on my bed but yeah THIRTEEN LINES it comes to about 76 seconds. The fact that it took mii about 30 minutes to put it together also alarms mii.

i don't know

so yeah
maybe it's because i'm getting older.
I'll post it after she launches it on Saturday
i might actually record an audio version and see if i can stretch it to 90 seconds.


Accident: PART 2

What is it about the ranting and raving that causes us to pause and comment and throw in our two cents.
I realize that when i look in the mirror and hear my thoughts i do nothing but when i see people put those same thoughts on paper i start to encourage them
so here is the question i am asking

why can't i just encourage myself
why do i have to wait until someone else is hurting for the promises to kick in and the advice to come pouring in.

So yeah, the accident on Saturday not a biggy considering that things could have been a whole lot worse, so the previous rant was just made up to get a reaction.

i apologize

but i won't lie, the moment my car hit her's while i was jamming to Kurt Carr's In the Sanctuary, the thought did occur to mii but fortunately this time around i was surrounded by this cute adorable guy named Carlos and later by Junior on the phone that when i actually got around to thinking about the situation, it was empty anger, empty hurt.
i was just blah.

what makes this so ironically beautiful was that the Preacher guy had just given us Rom 8:28 from a different angle, not the angle of good things will happen but the view of that he loves us and in the end it will all work out eventually.
hell can fall but u get to choose how u would react
and earlier about 1 hour before the preacher guy i had just ended my uncle's sabbath school class by saying
look the Israelites are whiners but it isn't a question of whether or not we are in a better position than they are instead it is what happens each day.

The question we should be asking is will God eventually stop testing us and just accept our decision or is this another step to the top of this mountain, another step to bring us closer to him
and i felt good to school these grown up christians who mostly double my age

and then BAM accident and all the beautiful christian thots and theological musings are staring at mii and my damage trunk.

anyways sha: i will post this tomorrow after u have had a minute more like a day to enjoy my initial mental reaction

goodnight PS: school is kicking my behind and i have about 10 days left in it but december is about getting back to the things that matter and not the things we just do to keep our lungs full of air and our wallets full

Accident: PART 1

I got into an accident on Saturday
i was at church and for some reason God DID NOT protect miii oooooooooooooooooooooooo

I was leaving church to go and distribute bible studies
and for some reason HE DID NOT MAGICALLY i mean MIRACULOUSLY stop my car

so i am no longer doing anything for God
cuz he doesn't protect mii when i do.

i had to spend the WHOLE of today running around to fix the lady's car and of course the money did not grow on trees, so i had to beg and scrimp to find the cash and God did nothing

so yeah stop stressing yourself trying to do good cuz u will still end up in pain, battered and bruised with an EMPTY GAS TANK on monday night

did i mention that the only reason why i went to that church this sabbath was because i had to go and do STUFF there that MORNING

to be continued ....
the busyness of keeping the wolves at bay prevents mii from writing
writing is pain cuz writing is reality
and reality is the wolves, the clouds closing in on dreams

Christians+ Halloween=Hypocrite??


It's the saints
not the sinners
that cause mii to scream

Listen to the Devil

Listen to the devil speak.
Listen to His thoughts

Have you ever wondered about a round table meeting in hell and what they discuss?
Has it ever crossed your mind to imagine demons and the strategy sessions they have?
Do you want to know how the devil uses our complacency to further his cause?

If you answered yes to any of these questions

I have read this book 3.5 times and I am about to get it for the fourth time.
I think it makes it the most read religious non biblical book that I have read in my life.

So here it is
For the next fifteen days I will try and feature quotes from THE SCREWTAPE LETTERS.
I really don't want to spoil the book or the dramatic reading for you so I won't go into much detail here.

It's the story or a combination of letters from a senior demon Screwtape to this new intern demon called Wormwood.

The audio drama version of it hits then and honestly this is one book on tape you want to get. I already have another audio version but this one is unbelievable.

So yeah
visit the website by clicking the picture above
there is this 27 second clip on the site that you should listen too


oh in other news
pray for mii ooooo
i'm speaking in church this sabbath
and the first draft just dropped an hour ago
so please pray

and if u are naija
happy independence day ooooooooooooooo
we are one year away from 50
dang it we are old

Twice the feathers

I got in my car yesterday
switched radio stations and heard Allister Bay talk about James, faith, slander and feathers. he said something so hot, i started to text myself the message while i was speeding down 59N just so i wouldn't forget

We sometimes define gossiping as spreading lies or embellished truths about another person
but Allister and i quote (cuz i texted it to myself while i drove DON"T DO THAT OOOOOOOOOOOOO)

slander is the unhelpful repeating of the wrongs of others.
he went on to say we propagate the failures of others in order to assuage our own guilt. In order to feel good about ourselves we degrade others (even if what we say is true)

Then I went thru the day

At the end of day, after dealing with people, expectations, sick people, coughs, thermometers, showers, chicken noodles, low internet connection and annoying classmates, slow drivers. Oh and after cursing out all these people to my steering wheel

i got an email
only this time via youtube and not my Scottish preacher on the radio

what are the odds.

so yeah
now it's your turn


9 words in 9 lines

Realize that the complexity of Christianity is its simplicity.

I want to say more,
I want to define and refine these nine until they become a headline
etched into the minds of each Christian.
But the clock is ticking and once again I am reminded
that the more I talk the less I act.
So in faux obscurity i live my activity
and allow this reality to further cloak His divinity
in a veil of mediocrity lived spoken by mii.

*** *** ***
actually i wrote this at 12:55am but had to time stamp it for 9:09 cuz i love perfect squares like this one and just couldn't NOT do it. :). goodnight oops, i mean good day

Thoughts at 2 a.m.

I'm not a fan of weddings cuz
Weddings are like romance movies,
they serve as the prologue to the real deal.
One is always left wondering what happens after the kiss and the credits roll.
Weddings are like an appetizer to a really good meal, that you will only see but never taste.

Sabbath Series: 18 -Vocal Cord Creator Speaks

My sister-friend just hit a major snag and i had no words. I was speechless and so i sat and thought of the One who made the vocal cords that allows mii to speak and it came.
His words not mine, so be encourage


God's love is meteoric, his loyalty astronomic, His purpose titanic, his verdicts oceanic. Yet in his largeness nothing gets lost; Not a man, not a mouse, slips through the cracks. God is not a man, so he does not lie. He is not human, so he does not change his mind. Has he ever spoken and failed to act? Has he ever promised and not carried it through? So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised. If the LORD delights in a man's way, he makes his steps firm; though he stumble, he will not fall, for the LORD upholds him with his hand. When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future. So trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. So wait on the Lord, be strong and don't lose hope, wait on the Lord. Wait on me, because I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.


Ps. 36:5-6; Num 23:19; Hebrews 10:35-36; Psalm 37:23-24; Ecclesiastes 7:14; Prov 3:5-6; Ps. 27:14; Jer. 29:11
versions used include the NIV, Message, KJV, New Living Translation, Amplified

on a side note please as u go to church this weekend and interact with Christians please do two things for yourself. Make a concerted effort to
  1. Be real
  2. Seek Christ

happy sabbath
i'm out

Foiling Love

Forgive my shortsightedness and selfishness.
I should have seen u today if only to watch your
lips curve into a smile or watch them move as u spoke.

I should have seen u today as messy as I am just so u could
hold mii and make mii feel better.
I should have seen u today
just so we could share a common emotion whatever it ended up
being, be it positive or otherwise.
I should have seen u even if u had no
smile I could hear or comfort giving hug or gorgeous lips or an emotion to share.

I should have seen u just because u wanted to see mii, the real mii.
So think about it
first before u rush to forgive.
Because I took away a moment we could have shared, I preempted
the birth of a laugh, a smile, a hug, even a tear.
Today, I took away your choice and ability to love mii.


I will not commit
until i know
I will not commit
until i own a blender
I will not commit
until this is over
I will not commit
until i've recieved an email
I will not commit
until i know the plan
I will not commit
until I am sure
I will not commit
until He speaks
I will not commit
until the door opens
I will not commit
I will not live
I will wait
I will sit
I will do nothing
until I die

to be sure
to die.

wow i think i like this one

it just hit mii this second
wish i could make it pretty and use beautiful words
but i need to sleep
this one screams comprehension so i hope u can relate

maybe i will issue a remix in the future

Progress Report

so yeah I've been cleaning out my closet and dealing with all this junk in my mind but then the truth terrifies mii to hide and i do so once again.

how am i?
I took my first vacation as an adult
I am 25 years old and this is the first time IN MY LIFE that i have planned a vacation or trip for pleasure and seen it thru. I have a long history of cancelling things and changing plans or leting logic take control but being that i am 25 and this is quarter life crisis year ... i'm grabbing the bull by the horns

So Sunshine and I went to D.C. and we were tourist, i walked until my legs hurt and read and took pictures, mercy i think we have at least 1000 pics from the five day period.

I kinda gave my mother a piece of my mind, similiar to conversations that Vera has with her wonderful moms but mine of course was a departure from the norm. My mother and I usually agree or I just keep silent and vent to myself in the shower but last week I just let it out and I think I felt good about it.

I realize that I make rationalizations for my actions to people alot
I need to be more mindful of that
I feel the need to explain the way my mind works instead of just letting it all be
so in this month of august i need to figure out my hair look and also how to stop making rationalizations and justifications and offering explanations
i feel another post forming ....

anywayz sha

Responses to previous post
@ Writefreak: I am fine ooooooooooooooo, taking it one day at a time

@ Chayoma: nah u are not talking out of your behind, it does apply on so many different levels, I'm glad u found it soothing, i have to admit that it was more for mii than it was for the viewing audience but i'm glad it provides you with the same sense of calm

@ Chari: u said it too beautifully i can't reply

@ Robyn: i don't know oooooo

@ Daydah: i think i owe you a call, sorry

@ Tisha: :)

@ Buttercup: it is wierd cuz everyone is getting the subtle calm vibe of it but to mii it is this immense struggle and war hnmmmmmmmmmmmmm

@ Solomonsydelle: i have been delinquent in keeping up with the kids, i am sorry ooo. glad u could relate

@ Debbie: thanks


This is my element, my comfort zone
the noise and uniformity of the masses
calms my soul and propels mii to speak
it reminds mii that i am unique and as
the sweat trickles down my thighs i
find the strength to give rise to the
words that make my fears come alive

the dichotomy of this reality
is the complexity of the tongue need to lead the heart
and so i seem to be relaxed and at peace when inside i am screaming for release


corners become mii
and i lose the freedom to say no
and so i strike,
hard and swift at anyone,
at anything that threatens
my need to say yes

Cleaning out my closest PART 2


I love control.
Not the traditional control but the emotional one.
I know for a fact that there are few things in this life i can control and so i master the ability to control my response and the amount of heart interaction I have.

I love to cry.
There is something about being able to give yourself a headache that just makes mii happy. There is something about waking up the next morning and realizing that your head is pounding because you didn't stop crying, there is something about the puffy eyes that just sets things back in order. It is weird.

I hate plans.
Plans take away freedom and the loss of freedom is the loss of control. Somehow in my beautiful brain i have managed to convince myself that if no one knows my plans then i don't have to stick to them. So i am free to change my mind.

I hate sharing.
Whenever i have bared my soul to someone i feel like i have surrendered a part of mii and that i am no longer in control, whenever i tell someone something i didn't originally plan to tell them, i get boiling mad with myself and also with them because they mad mii deviate from the original plan. I like sharing but on my own terms, not theirs.

I hate advice.
There is something about you telling mii what i already know that just makes mii want to scream, it does, it really does, now if you knew something that i didn't already know and you wanted to share it with mii, cool but if you are just going to tell mii something that i already know save your saliva, especially when i am crying or mercy if i just shared something with u that i wasn't planning to, your crimes just got magnified.

So yeah as i said initially
it all comes back to control
not the conventional way of control but the mental crazy way
there is something about being dependent on people that has changed the way this gets played out, so instead of mii getting ticked off about dealing with annoying disrespectful kids, adults that expect you to clean the ground the walk on, or people taking your belongings and wearing it or spending hours on the phone dealing with their credit issues no that stuff is easy

so yeah
i am ticked off cuz i spent an hour telling this person stuff i didn't want to tell her.
okay maybe it was more like 30 minutes but still

Oh my word, if you understand this you will cry from laughter

this version is not as good as the facebook version i saw today
but close your eyes and imagine it

if you have a facebook page

check it out there

One question

i can't sleep
one question on my mind

why does obama go on trips with his WHOLE FAMILY ALL THE TIME

i thought he was going to Moscow on Business but there you see the children again
it's like every trip is a vacation for his wife and kids

i don't understand


Cleaning out my closet part 1

i'm writing this for mii, it really isn't a well written piece of anything
just ramblings that need to be put out in public
so i can get my act together

i was going to go to bed
i had so much stuff to do today and i finally accomplished it all around 11pm and i was feeling good and then i came to my blog to listen to music and realized OOPS U HAVE ISSUES

i will eventually get my act together and words will flow like honey
but this is the sandpaper process necessary for the smooth finish

it's been too long

oh my word
i didn't mean to be gone so long
it has been 3 months since i have written from my heart.
yes i must admit that i did post in may but now that i go back and read them they lack mii.
the last thing came from the depths of mii was on April 23rd

not writing isn't really a problem in the grand scheme of things
i mean i still spend 10+ hours typing junk for school so......
but what really gets mii is that it speaks to the greater issue
mii not speaking
mii not speaking truth
mii not speaking the unspoken

i haven't prayed in like forever
i pray, u know the small 5 minute checklist of thank you God for this and help my sister with that
but i haven't just chilled in his presence and had a prayer session where i wasn't looking at my watch

i tried on Wednesday and it was unbelievably hard i think after minute 10 i was back to square one
now don't get mii wrong every day like clock work i wake up and spend at least 30 minutes in the word reading and learning and being challenged
but my prayer life just sucks

i used to pray with Sunshine and then one day i kicked him off my phone cuz i felt like he was pressuring mii to pray, that was like 2 weeks ago or so

i am not going to church in the morning
which is in like 8 hours
my reason
the emptiness

some people skip church cuz they feel like crap and are too lazy
but church is 7 minutes down the street and i can always find a naija outfit to put on that doesn't requiring ironing and my hair, please another story
so yeah

i am skipping church because it serves as a veil to cover up my tumultuous relationship with God

i know that if i go to church i will smile, people will draft mii to do something
and once again i will be pulled into the busyness of Christianity
which normally is a welcomed diversion but now
it is just empty
i love the business of church
i love trying to find innovative ways to get the message across
wait i have to go to church
cuz next week i have to put together the service and all i have is the speaker
i need to find people to do praise and worship
okay i will wake up, pray FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES
and take it from there
i don't have to make it to the church service i just have to be there before they close so i can grab people to do what i need them to do next week. weird, my ability to switch it off and back on at will , not wierd more like disturbingly scary in a hellish kinda way

so yeah
stripped of all the makeup

The complexity of Christianity is its simplicity

I want to say more
I want to expound on these seven words
but the clock is ticking and once again I am reminded
that the more I talk and the less I act
obscurity becomes my activity
and my reality further cloaks his divinity in
a veil of mediocrity

i guess i just wrote something
okay let's not get our hopes up it is just a couple of lines

so i think i will go to bed now
wake up, pray, come back here and dish some other stuff out
i just need it out of mii and being that i am queen of evasive phone conversations ...
i could talk to everyone on my phone list and still not say anything
mercy i am good at one sided conversations
not sure if that is a good thing tho. hmmmm

so yeah
this is part 1 of cleaning out my closet
part 2 will come in a couple of hours

happy sabbath

I am speechless

I try not to browse the news webpages but today I did
and this is what i found

have at it

Quarter Life Crisis: 1- Spontaneity

So it only seems fit that this quarter life crisis thingy should begin with an out of the box action, this wasn't intentional but then again if i had planned it, it wouldn't be so crazy.

Today i had to call all of my sisters (WHO DID NOT PICK UP THEIR PHONES) and all of my friends (the unmarried ones, cuz calling married people after 11 pm is just not polite) to make my decision and all of them came to the same conclusion

and yet even after all of that
it still took great effort for mii to take the leap.

I am logic, everyday, even when i am angry i have to try and convince myself that the rage is justified if not i can't seem to work myself up about it.
I am numbers, everyday, give mii the spreadsheet and i will tell you the best course of action
I am plans, everyday, come to mii without a plan and i will not even consider your proposal, talking i can freestyle but trips and relationships all fit into their own little box packed away in my brain's cabinet.

I got off the phone with Sunshine, reminiscing about the last two years of our unique relationship and how our anniversary is in a couple of days and then Mudiwa called and we talked shop then i said i needed to get off the phone and that the next time she will talk to mii I will be in Indy and then she said are you coming home and I said no that was a mistake and then she said you should look at prices and see what's what of course i said no.

then thefriend sent a text wanting to know if i had a minute to talk i said i did
i called her and then she told mii what was going on and then asked why i was quiet
i said i'm a quiet person
and then she launches into this whole "is this the new kafo of the latter part of 2009 that i will have to be dealing with...."
and then i told her what my mind was doing
and she backed up Mudiwa and said yeah you should do it
her words
"you love him, that's good cuz i was starting to wonder about that"
then i told her how much it might cost and she said
"why do you always have to put a dollar sign on your relationship (OUCH) and ....."
and so i said i will check it out and see how much it cost
if the one way ticket for a flight leaving in less than 12 hours was >200 i wouldn't do it
i logged on to priceline and it was 100 bucks
so then i called Jman and he said "Kafo follow your heart" then i laughed him off and he was like why do girls get to tell each other follow your heart and i can't do the same.
and then I called Oge and she said "Yeah do it, it isn't really that big of a deal"

mercy i didn't have to convince any of them

of course none of the sisters picked up the phone but VIxen had earlier said i suck at this love thing and Junior wants mii home anyway to baby her and Poetic Justice hmmmm i'll find out tomorrow
of course i have to call my uncle in Texas to let him know i'm out for a week and a half and
who else
i don't know

so yeah
i did it
what did i do
i bought a ticket to go home to Indy for 10 days
i bought a ticket TODAY to go to indy IN LESS THAN 12 HOURS
i spent 100 bucks on this one way ticket from Omaha to Indy and honestly it was hard cuz i'm not a spur of the moment kind of girl. I think things thru but yeah
okay so i'll keep you posted on how the week pans out
keep in mind that all i have is a backpack full of gear
which equals
1 journal
1 bible
2 books (Lynn Austins Strength of His Hand and The Butterfly in Brazil book)
3 tops,
1 pair of shoes (snickers)
my laptop
a pair of jeans
oh and of course 3 underwear
2 pairs of jailbait socks
1 toothbrush
(did i mention that i haven't combed my hair this month)
this was all supposed to last for the 2 days i was in Nebraska and now i am getting on a plane not back to Houston but to Indy
oh my word
my mother is going to freak out
i'm freaking out
this is soo not mii
i wonder what will happen next during this self induced quarter life crisis

stay tuned.

Sabbath Series: 17 Chasing Sanity

How do you
Hope without hurting
Dream without screaming
Live without dying


Responses to Dear God

so i boycotted my blog cuz i had finals and all this other stuff i needed to accomplish and then i came back to all these wonderful comments, most of which made mii cry (sniffle sniffle).
thanks y'all ( with my texas twang)
i really don't know how long this mental deliberation will take it just is a constant rollercoaster, i was in church yesterday and i oscillated between standing up and walking out cuz the pastor was talking about shaving his face when i was in need of a quardriple bypass but instead i sat there and just fumed and then cried and then started praying.
i don't know
it really seems like i should have mastered this whole disappointment thingy with God but yeah i haven't
what else
oh that class with the test, i aced it it makes absolutely no sense to mii but God is good the semester is over and my overall GPA basically remained the same.

@ disgodkidd: i prayed, u haven't contacted mii yet ooooooooo

@ Good Naija Girl: i wonder about the balance sometimes, having faith yet at the same time shielding your heart from the chance of disappointment. So yeah i agree with you that faith is important but how do we balance that with reality.

@ Adaeze: if deep down in your heart you don't b elieve in yourself, is that true faith? hmmm i wouldn't say i don't believe, i know He Can I just am not sure if He will so i am trying to prepare myself for the possibility that He says no. It's not a matter of faith, it's a matter of His will vs. your will and it just seems like for mii the two don't intersect so i'm trying to abandon my will and my dreams so that His Will won't leave mii shattered.

@ Remi: James chapter 1, and then Psalms 37 which i have this theological love for i constantly claim versus 23-25. I like what you wrote about vs. 5 tho' never thought about it that way praying for understanding and alignment of his timings .... i like that

to have no expectations means to have no hope hmmmmmmmmmmm
i guess you are right
it's just that it hurts too much to expect
and with each door that comes slamming shut in my face that i didn't expect a part of mii dies and not to sound melodramatic but i think ... i dunno i lost my train of thought

thank u soo much i love listening to u, actually i'm not listening more like reading, full of hope and with beautiful confidence and optimisim. it's hot in a spiritual kind of way :)

@ poeticallytinted: it was freud dang it i thought it was some greek philosopher like Socrates

@ StandTall: it's not easy, too true. each time u leave a comment or i visit your page i wonder about your hair and never ask, so yeah i'm asking is that really your hair and if so what is the story

@ Debbie: you sound like a combination of my fave. D. Lawrence and Marvin Sapp songs

@ Jaycee: hey darling LOL. i love the CC song, but then again i don't think there is a song they have that doesn't have a deep message.

@ The Life of a Stranger Called Me: i am taking your words and those of Remi and printing them out on little notecards and posting them on the door of my room and the steering wheel of my car. I am beyond serious.

Lyrically Live: 3 Dear God

sometimes you find your thoughts on someone else's lips and hear the beauty of the mind.

It feels so good to make it this far
And i didn't think i could take it so long
There were days i wanted to quit
I said surely this is it
But i held on

If 5 years ago I was shown my life today
I would have jumped off a cliff, no doubt.
I never wonder how I made it thru
It's all about trusting U.

I realized some didn't make it
I could've been one of the ones who lost my way
And there was times Lord i know i almost went crazy
But i'm still here with my life

The cost of my experiences to this date
should have rendered mii insane
the stability of my mind is a gift
anchored in my belief in U such matchless grace

It may not be all that i hope for
And every dream has not yet been realized
But to see your face one day
God I know its all gonna be worth it
Thank u for every mountain every valley
God every thing u brought me thru

I didn't realize what it meant to carry my cross.
Denying to self strips my soul bare,
But i'm beginning to let go and accept it all
This rollercoaster ride of faith flings situations
That still boggle my mind,
but knowing that this all prepares mii to spend eternity
is reason enough to thank You for the storms
regardless of the earthly outcome

Okay so i went home last weekend and God for some reason after 4 months of fasting and praying decided not to answer my prayer. I mean it was my birthday weekend so I was expecting Him to be extra merciful on this pitiful child of his. :(
No, there was nothing I could do, it was God 100 percent and He left mii hanging and it hurt, it still does on some visceral level but I'm learning to abandon my dream of fulfillment on this planet, really i think that is what hurts the most, my dream of how this is all suppose to end. For some reason God thinks I can handle this, i would respectfully disagree and say that i'm two seconds from calling it quits and checking out but sanity still sleeps in my bed so I must conclude that God is right that I can handle this. I don't know.

I don't know if my philosophy is the right one, or if my theological deliberations have screwed up my mind but this earth no longer holds appeal and so as I daily die to self i'm letting go and no longer expecting an earthly miracle, I know He can and if he does cool and if he doesn't it's still cool (i guess). i still will pray and believe but not expect.

i don't know if that makes sense
but yeah
i'll let you know how long this viewpoint lasts and its advantages and disadvantages in the future.

thank you all for wishing mii a blessed birthday
after finals this week i will break out my list of how to induce a quarter life crisis.
have a peaceful week

Decision Time masquerading as Quarter Life Crisis

Today is my birthday, not tomorrow or the day before or yesterday.
25 years ago, today May 3rd 1984 I was born,
not May 4 as my passport, driver's license and all other documentation would suggest.

I was born today oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The first man that i fell in love had a lil problem with numbers, this problem has manifested itself in various aspects of his life. For instance, he got golden age birthday cards for over 3 years because no one really knew the year he turned 50. He is gifted with words, but numbers ... ahh let's just say that is not exactly his forte.

So it would make sense that one of his four lovely daughters will have a birthdate that is not her birthday and being that Vixen got the brains, Poetic Justice got the knack for organization, Junior got the name, JUNIOR and the personality so it seemed fitting that his third daughter would be the one who has to pay the price for his lack of numberknowing, Of course his deficiency became her efficiency and let's just say that numbers and math are like honey to her.

Anyways enough third person talk

For the first ten years of my life i celebrated my birthday on May 4, until 1995 when we found my father's 1984 diary and saw that I was actually born on May 3 and that as a pastor, on May 4 he was speaking at a man's funeral. For the next 15 years of my life i embarked on a choose a date for your birthday. All depending on the year I would pick which ever date worked the best for mii, this of course drove the rest of the family crazy but the had no choice.

Today that all ends,
I am 25 and determined to have my quarter life crisis issues, here's the time i believe and have theortically hypothesized and concluded that if i go thru all that crisis issues now at 50 I will not abandon my family and shack up with a younger man. I will be releasing very soon a list of things that i will hope to accomplish and a list of laws to live by during this year so that i trully experience a crisis or whatever people go thru.

But as i was saying, the indecisiveness and inability to stick to one option is done. I hate making choices i hate having to decide mercy I AM NOT THE DECIDER so anything that requires a decision that doesn't involve numbers adding up drives my logical mind bonkers. But now I am going to live life INCLUDING HAVING ONLY ONE BIRTHDAY and taking the consequences as they come, I don't know how regular people do it but it seems like for the last 6000 years people have survived with one day as their birthday.

So yeah
today is my birthday ooooooo
of course now i have to inform all the people i know who think tomorrow is my birthday and let them know that i have finally made up my mind and i'm sticking to this date for THIS LIFE.

Two songs One CD

I just went to my car to look for a fork and i heard the last minute or so of this song. This is the second time I have caught the last bit of it and I love it. First of all, it is my song that causes mii to praise it doesn't matter where i am when it comes on I just sing at the top of my lungs and praise my God. So when i got back upstairs I had to find the full version and viola, here we are.

Last week, i was driving to my primary location when Coco Brother had this second song playing and of course I flip thru my gospel and CCM stations so i missed the first half. Today while looking for "How Great is Our God" i found this song "Let It Rain" and they are on the same CD. First time I heard this song it was by mii boy Micheal W. Smith on his worship album but this is a different feel to the song. Who would have known that these two songs that i have fallen in love with would be living together on the same CD.

I'm the person who listens to all Christian music available regardless of genre so the fusion of a contemp Praise and Worship song done by a gospel choir is just to my taste.

Now I want to know what else Bishop Morton has on this CD so i am going hunting. Keep in mind that this is the same guy who gave mii Jesus Jesus Jesus "the Katrina Song."

Pray for mii oooo i have this thing on Thursday that requires a miracle

Christian Lament: 1

I'm a Christian, but yeah, let's just say there are some things we have to take care of
because we are hindering the flow of the gospel, and this isn't an indictment on
the corporate church entity but on its members including myself who sit around
and do nothing. So hopeful by speaking these words into existence we can find
a way to heal from within.


He is Humility
and I hate to say this bluntly
But it is a big shame;
‘cuz we define ourselves by His name
the state of our leaders needs to be disclaimed.
He came to die, stripped to the waist
He knelt and washed our feet
and yet each time we meet it’s all about the elite

He chose to use earthen vessels but
we try and adorn ourselves to the point
where his light which shined so freely in cracked clay pots
is forced to compete with our decked out egos
and lingos. Like Pharaoh we parade in our limos
paint our faces, trying to outdo the other fellow
we are our own greatest foes
without and within
this is not just about the color of your skin
the size of your church
the money in your purse
the name on your purse
it extends
it reaches beneath the surface
we try and mask and adorn ourselves
covering our flaws to draw applause

Acquired Situational Narcissism
that’s the shrink lingo for this disease
that infects and spreads with ease
past denominational boundaries,
it breeds like herpes in our churches’ bodies.
Lord, have mercy
It pervades the ranks of our leaders.
Let me call it by its name once more
Acquired Situational Narcissism
it alters, no it deranges the man to a psychiatric state of mind
where he forgets who he is and
chooses to reject his humble status
as a servant a sinner saved by grace.

He is Humility
you are pride
the two cannot coexist
the longer you persist with this hierarchical list
you go against the very foundation
the pope cannot think he represents the One who came to die
as long as he is fawned over and praised like a deity
and dressed in finery.
Where is his meekness?
Where is his humility?
God came down, dressed in human flesh,
which was striped from his bones
for the remission of our sins

We tack on titles to elevate these servants
who allow the situation to redefine their identity
our pastors have become lil’ popes the antithesis of our Creator.
driving around in their Bentleys with bodyguards and private yachts
they have forgotten that they have been called to serve with the basin and the towel
if the moment you become Christian you start to think you are better than others
you start to postulate and use words like justification just to show your sanctification
humility is a word we do not know
or care to show and that is why our
words have been so shallow
actions, hollow.
We do not see it
we don’t realize that we trivialize his mission by
dressing up and acting like we are little perfect wax models.
If we did and treated pride like a sin
it would be harder to hate the prostitute
gossip about the drunk
be jealous of another brother
lobby for the death penalty
and the list goes on.

Reacquaint yourself with your unrighteousness
bask in your weaknesses
knowing that His power is perfect in it
speak truth in love
cower not in front of those who claim
to proclaim but do not live out His name
you answer to God, not to man,
title or not, they have no power to redeem you
not the pope or your pastor
celebrate his mercy
go to Calvary each day to remind yourself
cuz just as darkness flees in the presence of light,
your pride will cease when you remember His sacrifice

my pride will cease to exist when I pause each day and remember His sacrifice.

ouch this stings
I am determined to listen to my professor today cuz it's the last day of class
Okay so no editing until later


i read over what i wrote in the previous post and it really does make sense to mii
so here is the scenario (technically i am suppose to be paying attention to Dr. Deng but once again he is speaking a language (partial derivatives) foreign to mii so an update seemed like the most time effective thing to do)

Okay so here's the story
I have to give it to you in parable form
This is a story about a couple of people living in Vegas. In Vegas there are numerous ways to get rich but only one truly legal and righteous way to do it. Many people have come and gone and over the years have used illegal, wrong and unrighteous ways to succeed and they have. There are four people who have chosen to get rich the legal way and haven't cut any corners for the last ten years they have fasted, prayed, worked and done all they could do within the bounds legality.

There is one lottery that they can play which is legal and every year they have applied and prayed that they would get it. This past year a friend who lives in Brazil asked one of them to apply for the lottery for one of their friend's sister even tho' this person has not gone thru the struggle for the last 10 years and like a good Christian, she did.

She applied for this person in Brazil (the sibling of a friend of a friend) and suprisingly this year the friend of a friend's sibling won the lottery, while the four friends who have done everything right over the last 10 FREAKING YEARS were once again left hanging

that's the story

so yeah i found myself having to praise God for blessing another person with something that I have been on my knees begging for for the last 10 years and if one MORE person decides that this is the time to tell mii the obvious God is good, in his time he will do it I WILL SCREAM

now if one of my partners in MISERY (PIM) as i like to call them got this large sum of money i would have no problem rejoicing cuz we have all cried together and kept the law together and prayed and fasted together but to have this award of money come to my house but addressed to some other person who is in Brazil and who hasn't gone thru this struggle is something i did not even consider, it is one thing for u not to win the money it is another thing for a person in your house who has broken every single law possible to win.

so yeah it was a new kind of pain disguised in praise and honestly i didn't think it could hurt this much, but then again i have never considered that this would happen, that God would bring the carrot soo close only to leave mii hungry once again :( i really try and wonder what i did wrong in my last life as a elephant did i step on all the cockroaches or did i eat all the bananas cuz this just blows.

end of story

on a side note, i have to vent against all the friend, siblings (2 out of 3) and PARENTS (both of them) who have tried to console mii

i don't need people to preach to mii
when i share i am just stating a fact
normally i don't share becuz they all think they can fix it and their attempts piss mii off
normally when junk like this happens like when i had to turn down a 14 thousand dollar scholarship and 15 thousand dollars stipend for myself. i worked it out, cried, prayed, listen to music and got thru it, i always do, the two sides of my brain go back and forth and after about 17 rounds the good side wins, of course some of those rounds are lost hence the tears but at the end good always triumph.

disappointment and i are very well acquainted so why do these people who are NOT IN THE SITUATION try so hard to give mii comfort. :(
(now if u are a PIM then you can talk and i will listen cuz we are in this junk together but if not...)

i don't want these people to bumble thru' and try and come up with words cuz NOTHING they can say can make it better
i just want them to accept that fact and go and pray to their Father in Heaven to have mercy on mii
why is this soo hard for people to understand,
why do they proceed to tell mii the obvious
seriously it pisses mii off it's like telling a person who is outside on a beautiful day that the sun is shining. DUH of course the sun is shining i don't need you to tell mii it is, cuz seriously u insult my intelligence when u do. so yeah can my family please skip the whole God is good, he has a plan, and this is how he blessed mii in 1986 cuz it isn't helping, i don't need to be preached to, i don't need to be reminder of his goodness i am well acquainted with his blessings and promises and timetable i just need to cry for like 39 hours, give myself a headache and move on.

this might seem conceited but it seems like people think for some reason that talking and giving advice helps but for mii it is like i am telling you this so u will know that's it i am not looking for advice or medicine there is NOTHING u can say to make it better so please don't try. i know it all, i do, all the things God did in your life, i know, all the promises in the bible i know, i do. so stop reiterate to them to mii in a sympathetic voice aughh.

i mean just because i am crying and in pain does NOT mean i took leave of my senses or suffered amnesia.

all u can do is pray and u don't pray to mii so get on your hands and knees and pray to God
this has nothing to do with u, it is all about mii and my anger and frustration and if it really hurts u to shut up and keep your opinions to yourself eat ice cream.
i am sane, i just like crying my frustration out.

so yeah
after rejoicing, dancing and praising God with the brazilians for two hours
they left the house to go to a wedding and
then i got to climb in my bed and cried for two hours
went to church for the evening program
came back home cried for a couple more hours
typed up the previous blog, i really like it now that i read it in retrospect
woke up (with a splitting headache) cried in the shower
went to prayer breakfast on sunday morning at church then got in my car drove to school
and cried as i drove it was so cool cuz it was rainy really hard outside and i was crying inside
and cried for like 3 more hours
and then studied with my head ache that i gave myself
went to the gym listened to my stellar cheer mii up playlist (isreal, micheal card, marvin sapp, yolanda etc)
and then drank a lot of water cuz i think i had cried and sweated off all my water
and now things are semi back to normal.

so yeah
God is good.
pray for mii

i really should pretend to listen to him try so hard to teach us about Constraint Force and legal acceleration but ........................

A new level: pain called praise

i tried to cute this one up, i tried (for about 2 seconds),
but tears still flow so here it is

Pain still fresh i thought it was defined,
all aspects covered in my mind but once again i am caught off guards by it's intensity
Pain anew, rings true and shatters all past illusions of its identity,
proving once more that as a follower of hope
i must endure the inevitable consequence of hope

Yes, hope has a consequence,
it's never talked about in parties
but instead tucked away in the dark recesses of the mind
shoved behind layers of prayers, pleas, bargains and dreams.

but it remains, hope creates expectations,
expectations unfulfilled results in disappointment,
unexpected disappointment ushers in pain.
a new pain a beautiful pain that stuns the hopeful into screams of silence

It hurts to mourn with those who mourn
but it hurts even more to rejoice when you want to mourn
it stings to praise and rejoice with those in celebration when your soul cries
when each day that goes by decreases your chances and .....
but you smile for them even tho' u don't know if u will ever see the sun on u

new level, new depth, for real i didn't know it would have such an enormous effect
so yeah, this pain called praise demands your all, it requires a certain level of selflessness that
reminds you of your selfishness and further convinces you of your weakness and utter dependence, it forces you to confront your desire for presents instead of presence and not so subtlety questions your faith.


this isn't want i want to say, but this is what came out so maybe in a week when the wounds aren't so fresh i can speak in a comprehensible manner, i don't like how it ended hmmmmmmm but yeah i need to focus on something a lil' less morbid before this week starts so yeah happy easter, i'm out.


What makes a nigerian unnigerian?
I'm trying to figure this one out.

Is it

1. Not having a passion to return to nigeria
2. Not being able to speak the language
3. Not wanting a traditional yoruba engagement
4. Using an american name
5. Not having a nigerian accent anymore
6. Not having nigerian friends
7. Not gravitating towards the nigerians you see in your city
8. Not being able to dance to nigerian music
9. Not watching Nollywood movies
10. Keeping quiet when people diss your country
11. Not knowing about current affairs going on
12. The number of years you have spent outside the country
13. Not dating/marrying nigerians.

or is it a combination of them?

So yeah help mii figure this one out

I mean which one is worse, if a person was to be unnigerian what would be the worst thing that would qualify them for the award

COSC 6356: Computer Animation and Simulation

u walk into a room and everyone is standing
do u sit
u walk into a room with clean sterile white walls
do u draw on it
u walk into a room and everyone is silent
do u talk

what is it about us that makes us conform to these unspoken norms
why do we try so hard to fit in and not upset the equilibrium.
Right now I'm on the web surfing and i see my girl new blog that she is launching soon and i am proud to know such an ingenious spirit, conflict in our relationship arise when we expect the other person to behave the way we do.
She is my sister in spirit, juggling Med. school and making purses on the side. Now none of these thoughts have a cohesive theme but I really need to stay awake in Dr. Deng's Animation and Simulation course i write this if it makes sense cool if not it's still cool

Be real, be true, be you
In His image you are uniquely made
so be true to the real you

You will never satisfy them
You will never become them
You will lose you in trying to fit in
so be true to the real you

Connect to your inner voice
take comfort in the silence
the moment you stop trying to please the world
and instead listen to His voice alone you become free

only one opinion matters, for real
so retire, pack up your boxes of conformity
clean out your closets of pretense
and embrace who you are

the terrifying reality of u will stun u
the mediocrity of your pursuit to impress them will embarrass u
the futility of the race will overwhelm u
and hopefully u will give it up

dang it i still have 19 more minutes to go,

i'll go blog hopping laterz

Test results sniffle sniffle

Okay so i had a test about a week ago and let's just say i studied like crazy.

You know when you have a big test and you run a exhaustive comprehensive intensive seminar on everything and then you get to the test and all the questions are straight from your study notes?

Yeah well that didn't happen to mii
everything i studied was not on the test
my cheat sheet that you are allowed to bring was USELESS

the first question on the first page i drew a blank and then turned the page and my heart sank a lil' more
so i went to page 3 and when i realized that it wasn't going to get any better
i just started writing

so i get to class yesterday
get my test back
and i was blown away

i passed
not with a 74.5 like i expected
but a 90.5

i still don't know how that happened
when asked by my classmates
and then
one of them was like what you expect mii to believe this is a miracle
i was like
i don't know how i got every single question especially the hard ones right and then i missed the easiest one, i was majorly freaking out so yeah this is God.

Thank You Jesus

so help mii thank my GOd oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

now i have to get back to finding all of the malware and junk on my PC before the Conficker virus hits tomorrow

so yeah if you read this tonight
please run a scan on your PC to make sure you are clean oooooooooooooo


oh and thanks to all who mentioned my name in prayer,

WOW from a Relunctant Family Member: 1

WOW= Words of Wisdom
Relunctant= Loving family is easy, living & dealing with them ISN'T

Virtuoso, oh, ohoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

My unconsciousness loses the battle as my eyelids struggle to open and adjust to this Sabbath morning light.

Virtuoso, oh, ohooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

My brain tries to make sense of it all, did i sleep thru' my alarm?
Did i wake up only to throw my cellphone across the room in anger at the jaring sound?
I open my cellphone and the digital screen reads 7:29. Hmmmm, my alarm is set to go off in less than sixty seconds but how in the world is there music in THIS house, on a Sabbath morning BEFORE i have gotten up. WHY IS THE MUSIC SO LOUD?

I'm trying to control my annoyance at the blaring sounds as i struggle to get out of bed and make it to the bathroom, hoping and praying that it is empty and luckily for mii it is. As I emerge, i run into Shorty who proceeds to ask mii if He should take a shower first or if I wanted to, since i was already awake. I stand on my tippy toes, pat his head and nod.

End of story.

Seems like a normal scenerio, you wake up to music and get in the shower, right?
Normally, i wake up, take a shower and then wake up the cousins (aka shorty and kc, aka my kids). After I wake them up, I put on some Christian music like Big Daddy Weave, Chris Tomlin, Donnie McClurkin to get the Sabbath started and then go back to their room to make sure that they are out of bed. I then proceed to ask them who wants to get in the shower first and how many minutes they have. So imagine my suprise when I wake up to the king of sleep, Shorty, awake and already putting together a playlist. What is more suprising is that he looked at mii, ASKED mii if I wanted to take a shower first and then he is taken aback and looks at me wierd because I was stunned to silence.

Sometime between getting in the shower and looking for clothes to wear my annoyance gave way to beauty and praises as I released what had happen. Sometime in the last year, I had passed on the baton. My cousin was singing to David Phelps early on Sabbath morning and I had to smile, I had to close my eyes for just one second and say THANK YOU, LORD.

I'm always screaming at them on Sabbath morning to get up and take church seriously so that we can get there on time,
I'm habitually turning off their ghetto gangsta & angry white boy music and replacing it with my Christian music.

Yet I'm stunned when they take over and start listening (albeit at higher volumes than I would recommend) and singing to my jams.

I mean YES, it is the norm but normally i initiate it. It's my norm, I didn't expect them to adopt it. So I ask myself a question what else about mii are they adopting?

So yeah as you set out today what example are leaving behind
if those around you were to copy you what would it look it,
if they were to adopt your attitude and actions
would it make you smile

okay now its 8:47am and I need to be at church in 30 minutes so yeah, gotta split

have a blessed day

oh I don't know if i passed my Perf. Eval test will find out on monday


I have been writing when I am supposed to be studying and that is not good for a person who is trying to get a master's degree in computer science and not english lit but yeah, about 20 minutes ago i ended up on youtube cuz thefriend sent mii a link to some other video and then i clicked on this one and then i started to write instead of study. so yeah, it's fresh and raw and probably ladden with typos but yeah check it out
read and
then act,

oh and if you decide to say a prayer for this lady who has a Performance Evaluation Midterm in less than 12 hours that would also be nice

Throats dry, lips cracked,
I die each day a thousand times
you have it, you hate it
you replace it with soda and wine
and that's fine but I define my day
as a search for it
blood flows cuz i lack it
blood flows freely cuz we fight to protect the lil' we do have
one day, one drop, one life is lost
tick tock tick tock
old paths gives way to new
as we press on to pursue
this dream to attain that which
we pray will relieve our pain
dreams give way to reality and so
we replace our desire with buckets
of disease in order to appease our parched
throats and prolong our lives just so we can dream once more.

Woes of a Logical Person IX: Brainwork

my brain is a beautiful thing but sometimes it gets mii in trouble. my first woe of a logical person was over 2 years ago in February of 2007 and yet my brain persists in being a foe causing mii woe. in 2007 i think I had an understanding with Time, now time and I can't seem to be on the same page, some days we chill and others...

He says

Thank you for believing in mii

I think
I love you. I
love the you I know
and see, not the you, that
you want to become. I love you
but I'm scared that one day you will
look in the mirror and accept the you I
love and see now, and then you will reject mii
not because you do not love mii but because my
love will be irrelevant. You will not need mii and I will
not be enough for you. Just being mii loving the u i see now
without the reality of the u that u will become will not mean a
thing cuz you will be the man I love, not the hope driven version of
you. and so i wait. i wait as i love a man who is yet to accept my love for his
beautiful soul and not the man he wants so desperately to become. i wait to see
if my love will change him, i wonder if time will be the unmaking of this story, time
holds sway and dreams might demand i pay a price, so i sit and i ponder just a lil' while
longer and hope that this change that will help him accept my love will not undo our love.

Sex in the church

Okay this is a lil' racy so read at your own risk.

Confession: I've thought about sex in church. That's the truth, about 2 years ago, i was sitting in the pew, and i had this mini fantasy about sex, while i was sitting four pews from the front of the church. I'm not talking about thinking how sex is bad and how i'll never have it till i get married. Nooooo, i was sitting in church having a mini sexual fantasy. I'm not saying this to boast, it was definitely wrong, and that point in my life i was reading some pretty raunchy stuff so yeah fantasies at that time was the norm. I'm not trying to justify my behavior, but here's the point, if I, Miss Virgin-quoting-scripture-teaching-bible-study-first-to-get-to-church has to work at controlling sexual thoughts while SHE IS IN CHURCH (mercy), how hard it is for the rest of the nation (esp. those who watch Grey's Anatomy)?

Great Sex God's Way.

Are you kidding me?
I woke up this morning, turned on my computer to start studying and saw the headline of a Southern pastor causing a stir in Alabama for preaching about sex. For real, sex in the church, it seems just like yesterday that Ted Haggard was coming out of his meth and homosexual closest and all of a sudden the South has its panties in a bunch cuz a pastor is preaching about Great Sex God's Way.

I mean I have sex conversations with my 13 and 14 year old boyz, my 8 year old niece that watches Disney Channel tells me that my top isn't sexy and we are scared because the church is actually starting to address what is going on in the world.

I don't get it.

So yeah, is it cool for pastors to talk about Sex in church, is it cool for them to have billboards saying Great Sex God's Way? One pastor in Cali went so far as to tell married couples to have sex for seven straight days to save their marriage. This might seem extreme, but sex is everywhere, so how come we keep it out of church, do we really put on a different body when we walk into church, does our mind all of a sudden get sanitized?

I know what you are thinking, it is church we are supposed to be kosher, we can't be talking about great sex or any kind of sex. There is no sex in the Bible, there is fornication and adultery but they never use the S-E-X word. I mean when the pastor starts preaching about sex then i have to have a conversation with my child (who already knows about sex but isn't talking to you about it) about sex.

This could just be a publicity stunt to get people to come out to church,
this is watering down our values and trying to make church seem like a place where people can bring their dirty laundry and get comfortable.
This is sin.

I don't know

Here's the article

Here's the church's website

Here's a video from part of the church service

Have at it.

Now let mii actually start studying

The right dosage for my mind and random thoughts on PAIN

Sad, I miss blogging but school is kicking my behind so much, that putting my thoughts down in a coherent fashion requires a certain level of peace that requires two spoonfuls of patience to dwell a lil’ longer in reality which only proves disastrous unless I have a six pack of Hope and belief that dreams can become reality. I must pause at this point and state that this is only possible if I have the correct dosage of contentment cuz too much makes mii lazy thereby killing creativity and too little depletes my faith tank which is idling at Empty. But as I was saying without the correct amount of contentment happiness is impossible and my dreams become a lesson in torture. Basically what I am trying to say is that life is easy but living dreams is hard.

So what is on my mind
I’m working on this HIV piece, another is this huge mission/ministry project which is titled 5 not the 1, and Salty Fortress v 2.0 and the Death of Hope, oh and of course there is this woe of a logical person but it’s still to fresh and hurts to think about it much less write it out. In my head they are hot but as I said before I lack the contentment, faith, hope, patience and peace to drop them. But trust they are hot. God is good but yeah I’ll stop rambling and try and make some Sabbath sense for this beautiful weekend.

[Pain] removes the veil; it plants the flag of truth within the fortress of a rebel soul.
C.S. Lewis

Scars that bind
Tears that fasten mii to u
Our pain unites us
So be true to this emotion
live without shame your wounds
Carry your head high as the tears flow.
Let the tears fall and express your pain
without reservation, without regret
because the more we share our pain
the closer we become.
Pain shared is real, true, pure
I can’t fake pain, so why do I try to hide the most true part of who I am?
Why are we so ashamed of that which makes us most human?
Why do we hide our tears and fears and put on a mask that is not us?
Void of pretense pain exists to connect us, it exists to remind us, it exists to unite us.

So live your pain
Live it out loud
Let the tears fall
No shame.



Okay so I won 4 front row seat tickets to see Chris Tomlin and Israel and New Breed and then cuz i was on the front row going crazy in a room full of sane people Israel thru mii a t-shirt which had a coupon card for his new CD which drops in a month

4 FRONT ROW SEAT TICKETS 35 x 4 = $140.00
1 POWER OF ONE T-SHIRT 20 x 1 = $ 20.00
1 POWER OF ONE ALBUM 10 x 1 = $ 10.00

TOTAL = $170.00

So yeah I went to a concert, danced, cried, sang, lost my voice and did not pay the 170 that made the event possible.

so yeah i'm on cloud nine

i've uploaded a bunch of youtube videos and im including some in this post


i am soo happy right now

good night

oh there is this deep spiritual message that i got to share with y'all but my throat hurts and i have to be in church in about 8 hours cuz i'm performing with my now frog like voice before the sermon

so yeah
pray with mii
rejoice with mii
and listen to the lyrics of the music cuz both of these guys are DEEP

this last song is his latest single


Dear Human Part 2

Dear Human,

I love you. I love you not the you that you hope to become but you that is why I bled for you while you were still lying conniving, stealing and denying my very existence.

I heard it the first time you said it

No my child I don't think you understand.
I love you now, I love you still
The day you betrayed your spouse, snuck back into the house like a lil’ mouse clutching your blouse
The day you lied in order to get by and thought that you were so sly
The day you lied in order to be accepted by those who are so easily tempted
The day you lied and deserted the family I gave you to nourish and cherish
I loved you then, I love you still.

The day you broke that vow and treated your children like burdens
The day you subjected your brother to the derision of your friends in order to fit in
The day you killed love and threw away grace by the words that fell from your lips
The day you mistreated your body by sleeping around
The day you treated your body so cheaply by dressing it down
The day you treated your body that I created in My image so cheaply by snuffing, snorting, smoking, injecting, eating junk, drinking filth

The day you denied my existence…

Each day you persist to resist my existence you engage in an unholy tryst and assist the one who hates that you exist and would rather put you on hell’s eternal list than insist you listen to the Baptist and realize that you have been missed by the one who loves you.


Embrace it.
Embrace my love for you.
But I messed up.
I know, I loved you then,
I love you know, I love you still
Accept that I love you.
I’m serious I really do so please hold your head up high
Smile, live, breathe, share my love with those around u. share it n' live it
Take comfort in it

The life u led I forgave with the strips when I bled so that you wouldn’t live with pain and regret.
So deal with the consequences and let go of the shame and aim to reclaim your position to proclaim my Father’s name.

Shame comes from my enemy and grows into despair, that’s the product of your affair so you better beware ‘cuz he chooses to ensnare those who forget my love and dwell in the shame of their actions

He fastens himself with your secrets and fattens your despair with his lies and thereby frightens hope out of your lives. The longer you allow him to lie to you he lies in you and builds a home in your heart convincing you, deceiving you, blinding you to my love.

So free yourself
Free yourself from the degradation of your shame by confessing
Free yourself from the cycle of impurity, stop rationalizing
Free yourself from the sin that binds by surrendering
Free yourself from the shackles of despair by sharing
Free yourself from the prison of guilt by repenting
Free yourself
Free your mind
Free your soul
Cuz , I love you
Accept it, and each time the clouds of doubt come and they will because until I return for you the struggle continues
Return to me and remember that you were fearfully and wonderfully made in my image; in the image of my father you were created.

You do know that the hairs on your head are numbered not counted so each time you decided to dye hair strand number 45698 I know, each time you decide to trim the edges of the hair strands number 3244, 3245,3246 and 3247 I know, each eye lash is placed on your eyelid at a particular angle in order to shield your eyes from harmful objects. Each bone in your body is crafted for a purpose, each talent is given for a unique mission that only you can accomplish.
So I hope you get it.
I hope you understand that
Nothing can ever separate you from my love
Nothing can ever separate you from this love
Nothing living or dead
Nothing on the earth that I created with words from Our Lips
Nothing that man created with the power that I gave him, not even warships
Nothing in heaven which serves as the place where we will all coexist
Nothing that the devil might try to use to persist to enlist
Demons, nothing on their destructive checklist

Nothing legal or illegal
Nothing noble or ignoble
Nothing legible or illegible
Nothing mortal or immortal
Nothing flexible or inflexible
Nothing tangible or intangible
Nothing credible or incredible
Nothing possible or impossible
Nothing tractable or intractable
Nothing probable or improbable
Nothing material or immaterial
Nothing bendable or unbendable
Nothing thinkable or unthinkable
Nothing corruptible or incorruptible
Nothing describable or indescribable
Nothing containable or uncontainable
Nothing respectable or unrespectable
Nothing manageable or unmanageable
Nothing controllable or uncontrollable
Nothing surmountable or insurmountable

Lovingly Yours

Sabbath Series:16 - Just Thinking

My thoughts are scattered and I'm too excited right now (i'll tell u about y later) to compose them in a comprehensible manner so bear with this post

So how do you know.
How do you know if it is the will of God.

You wake up one morning and decide to become a doctor
how do you know that God is the one calling you to that field?
Is it by your natural talent for biochemistry,
your parents dreams and wants or your need to help people?
How do you know that God is calling you to that.
Or is there a voice in your head telling you to choose medicine over business

For real

I'm wondering and blogville is full of different people with different backgrounds so i figure y'all can lend a hand Kafo, a clueless quester.

How do you know he is the one
The one to spend your life with forever till death do us part
How do you know if want you want and what God wants for u are the same?
No, im not going to make this easier and tell you that he is a drug addict. Let's assume that there are two men equally sold out on Christ and responsible and all that jazz and you love both, how do you know which one God wants you to marry
Do you assume that God's will is what your heart wants u to do or ur mind?

While we are talking about marriage
let mii ask this
Do you believe that God chooses or we choose and God blesses or disapproves of our choice
The first belief basically means that God sends the person to complement you to you and that God knows who this person is and all you have to do is follow the voice is your head (HOW DO YOU KNOW THIS VOICE IS GOD'S AND NOT YOUR MOTHERS')

The second belief means that you make your choice and then God either blesses the union or.......
i'm not really sure how this belief pans out.

so yeah your calling as a minister, doctor, your choice of spouse how does the whole God told mii thingy work or do we just do want we want and add God's name to let him take the blame just in case it goes south

so yeah
have at it
cuz im confused

9 years 364 days

Words fail so tears fall
As my mind tries to capture it all
Dreams lay strewn across the floor
as I try once again to make sense of it all

One day, one step

No, I’m tired of waiting
I’m tired of explaining away the pain, that courses through my veins
I’m tired of avoiding questions that are so plain in a futile attempt to maintain this charade
I’m tired of the need to feign happiness at their success
but most of all I’m tired of being confined to this domain

One day, one step

I pause, and think and finally I remember
I remember the ignorance of my youth and foolhardy decisions and your guidance in spite of my actions
I remember Your voice guiding mii thru the night with a light that shined so bright, igniting this fire that makes mii write.
I write to lead, I write to inspire, I write to incite others to aspire and reach for this relationship that sometimes seems like walking the wire
but most of all I write to remember how you have led mii thru this
I remember Your provision when the coffers where empty and Your touch when I was lonely
the air I breathe in daily makes me recall how you held me firmly but mostly it reminds mii of your grace

One day, one step

Thank You Lord for this journey,
9 years 364 days and counting
thank you for the pain,
thank you for the tears that stain and help me maintain my focus
and attain for that peace that only you can sustain.
Lord you are Holy and good and even though my dreams lay shattered on this floor
I’m here, still standing, still waiting
and even tho’ some days it hurts mii to the core and I seem so unsure when others pass me by
I’m here, still standing, still waiting
still hoping, still dreaming
Hell no
I'm letting go. I’m living, teaching, breathing, acting, serving, asking, searching, praising, dancing, eating, crying, learning, writing, singing, preaching, trusting
knowing full well that in the end all that matters is where my steps lead
and each step brings me closer to the only goal that is worth reaching

One day, one step
until I am with You.

tomorrow is the 10 year anniversary of mii being here in the US and as I sit on my bed and go thru my journals of the last nine years, as I think of the dreams that have been shelved and others that have been born, as I think of the hills, valleys and mountains crossed and those yet to come, i'm oddly content cuz somewhere and somehow it stopped being about my Ph.D and white picket fence and started being about this relationship with Him. I must admit that I have a constant stream of bad days where crying is the least of my flaws but i'm learning that it's one choice, one day, one step at a time.

the Atheist Mind update

Thank you all for your comments, i know that I have learned alot from all of you. I wish I could pronouce a final judgement and say which one is easier but I can't cuz I can only live in my mind and can't ever fully know exactly what another person feels. So thanks, cuz from your varied responses I was able to realize that there is no easy way.We all have a choice and decision to make and living with our decisions is never an easy thing. I know what I believe and I know that to some it might seem unfounded and foolish but we all choose what or who we want to believe in. It is a choice, and either way we all choose to believe something that can't be proven during our lives.

So yeah
thanks everyone
i'm too lazy to reply one by one

Sabbath Series:15 - the Atheist Mind

I'm sitting in church yesterday surrounded by other fellow believers and for a moment I paused and asked myself if this was real. Christians believe in Jesus and most people on this planet believe in the idea of God but atheist don't believe in it at all. We were talking about evangelism and I couldn't understand how you would reach a person who doesn't even believe in God or doesn't see that there is something missing.

Try as I might i can't seem to wrap my head around a godless world, maybe i have been sheltered too much or i am just narrow minded but the idea of being an atheist or coming to the conclusion that God does not exist is terrifying.

Now others might disagree with mii including C.S. Lewis who says
"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..."

So yeah here's the question do you agree with mii or C.S. do you think it is easier to believe in God or do you think Atheism is the simple route?

Have at it

Woes of a Logical Person VIII:- Make It Last

1 session of steamy hot sex
nah, too much regret, the guilt won't fit in my hand luggage
and having no experience and increasing my chances of triplets by 99%
not a good idea
30 hugs
15 kisses
5 snuggle sessions
no that won’t work it lacks depth and won’t get mii thru Sunday
37 hugs
18 kisses
5 snuggle sessions
2 back seat encounters
1 tango
hmmm, not exactly kosher so that won’t work either
what if we downgrade the car encounters to 3 10-minute make out sessions
and increase the hugs and snuggle sessions
here we go
50 hugs
18 kisses
6 snuggle sessions
3 10-minute make out sessions and
1 tango
danger is lurking behind the 10 minute sessions which might escalate to DHing
which would leave us with 30 lb guilt bags each so ....
Okay I get it,
60 hugs
22 kisses
9 snuggle sessions
1 candle light dinner followed by
3 slow dances to our fave playlist
I’m too lazy to cook and too cold to go out for dinner

Final Attempt
65 hugs
24 kisses
12 snuggle sessions
3 slow dances to our fave playlist
1 2-hour trip down memory lane
Maybe so?

I dunno

stay awhile, lets drift awhile
to our unsung melody
make it last
hold mii a lil’ bit longer
touch mii a lil’ bit softer
make it last
‘cuz I need us to last

so yeah this is to everyone who has ever had to part in one of those how-in-the-world-did-we-think-it-would-work long distance relationships. I'm down to 20 hours and not sure how to make enough memories to tide mii over till May.