This doesn't make any sense. What is Willy saying?
Is he saying he plans to delay the parting a couple of more centuries until he suffers from dementia and can't remember a thing?
Is he saying that he will delay the sorrow that naturally will come with the parting?
Is he sooo high on crazy romantic illusions that he believes that sweet sorrow will metamorphizes into something else?
I don't know what he was trying to say.
All I do know is that
trying to find a reason to stop time while fast forwarding into the future is absurd,
trying to pack 2 and a half years of stuff into 2 50-pound suitcases is impossible,
trying to convince yourself that phone calls will ease the seperation is illogical,
trying to teleport yourself back for every celebration and event is ridiculous,
trying to create a strong impression so that ppl. remember you is pathetic,
trying to memorize each person with your Canon SD1000 is ineffective,
trying to deepen relationships while the pendulum swings is useless,
trying to control the pain with logical extrapolations is ludicrous,
trying to mend bridges so that u're conscience is clean is sad,
trying to stop the flow of tears with Kleenex is hopeless,
trying to capitalize and savor every moment is futile,
trying to ration the amount of hugs is pathetic,
trying to savor his embrace is impossible,
trying to put on a strong front is pitiful,
trying to express your fears is risky,
trying to smile is time-consuming,
trying to breathe is too hard.
here I am failing at all I am trying
but still trying to convince myself that leaving Indy and moving to Southern Cali. is for the best.
I had to resist the urge again this past Sabbath.
It was hard but I controlled myself and did not tell the pastor to HUSH.
Here's the problem.
- Homelessness and mii don't agree, the pastor is my uncle, STRIKE 1 and so there is the whole Naija respect thing, oh and I do live in his house so telling him to hush would not be beneficial for my bumified being.
- Then there is the obvious fact that he is a man of God, STRIKE 2 and God might choose the moment to teach mii a lesson and strike me with lightening or make mii dumb, either way my life is irrevocably altered.
- STRIKE 3, everybody knows mii, my voice, my hair, my Naija outfits there is no way, no way that I would have been able to pass it on to my non-existent twin sister or claim to have had an out-of-body experience.
I kept my tush in the seat and did not tell him to shut up.
Instead I tried to write as fast as my fingers could because what he was saying was sooooooo
soooo sooooo beautiful. Mercy. It is sad that I have forgotten all that shorthand that they tried to force down my throat at ISI.
I needed to tell him to shut up so that I could write down all the stuff he was saying but he just kept on going an' going an' going and eventually I just gave up and figured why am I stressing I live with this guy I could hack into his computer and get the sermon.
Here's what I was able to write last week.
Prov. 17: 10: A rebuke goes deeper into one who has understanding, than a hundred blows into a fool.
If you are teachable you are changeable
If you are changeable you are fixable.
If you are teacheable
- You will not play with sin: Samson
- You will not give an excuse: Moses
- You must be willing to break down the idols in your life: Gideon
- You must be willing to do the things that don't make sense to you: Joshua
- You mut be listening for His voice: Samuel and Elijah
Are you teachable?
- When was the last time people gave mii input: if no one is giving you input it is because you are a dead horse and they have given up on you because they know you will not listen or react positively to what they have to say.
- When I see measureable growth in my character.
- When I don't have to answer each critique with a defense: do you have an answer/excuse or rationale for every mistake? Do you constantly find yourself justifying eact action and explaining it to the advisor EVERY SINGLE TIME!!!
- When I don't have to criticize back: when my pride is in check and I am able to look at the person and not try and discredit them
- When I'm learning new ways to grow: it doesn't end with the light that you have recieved. Learning is a lifelong process and doesn't end the moment you get baptized.
Up until #3 I was feeling pretty good about myself and then he said those words and I was like OUCH.
So yeah I just needed to share this while it was still fresh in my mind. Ahhhh now that I am done I am thinking of this quote by my boy Bonhoeffer. Ahhhhhh, okay I'll be back later to give u my spin on Bonhoeffer's confrontation.
Anyway I never thought of myself as a wordsmith. In SS 1, I cheated. Before this I was the source of info. people came to mii for answers but it's the last day of finals and some guy from Poetic Justice's class stole the wrong exam questions and ended up having the expo for the SS 1 English Literature final (instead of for his class, SS 2) and I wasn't in the mood of figuring out what the difference between an oxymoron and hyperbole was so yeah I cheated.
I came to America Junior year of high school and had to write a reserach paper. Mii, Kafo, spent the better part of a month researching about the Holocaust, I had NIGTHMARES, wrote 10 freaking pages on the tragedy and Ms. Schaffer (yes I remember her name, and her hair style and her scrowl) rewarded my efforts (this was the first time I tried to write a paper on my own) with a D and then when she found out that I had just gotten off the Mayflower she upgraded it to a D+.
I went to college and chose the major with the most math classes without becoming a Math Major (b'cuz then I might end up a schizophrenic like John Nash). Freshman year I tried in vain to convince my Gen. Chemistry prof. that writing a conclusion for each lab would detract from the lesson learned that day. My sophmore year, I remember sitting in English Lit 1 and thinking of ways to torture my professor after she made us write a paper on that crazy poet lady that commited suicide, was it Plath? Junior year if it was not for "The Economist" reading head of department I would have convinced all the profs. in our department to handle my papers with care because English was my second language.
But here I am years after avoiding English, cheating on a final, swapping homework, changing majors, bribing sisters and negotiating with Lab techs.
Here I am, a poet.
Today I was reading Mack's latest post and as I was writing a comment words just came and I was like, "Wow, chill, I'm a poet."
I'm a poet even tho' I still can't tell the difference between an oxymoron and a hyperbole.
I'm a poet even tho' I haven't read any of the literary geniuses like Byron or Hughes.
I'm a poet even tho' I still haven't figured out what a comma splice
I'm a poet even tho' I still don't know when to use a semi colon.
I'm a poet even tho' most days the words come out wrong
I'm a poet even tho' some days the words confuse mii.
I'm a poet even tho' I still prefer numbers to letters.
So yeah this is for Mack
As poets we never run out of things to say
Regardless of our forever evolving relationships
Seeking to manipulate how we view ourselves
In addition to the anger that stains our thoughts
Drenched in the constant upheaval of the cosmos
In spite of the noise that threatens to submerge our voice
Coupled with the pain that defines this moment
We are still and will always be poets
to inspire a generation to think
to share a light that banishes darkness
to speak a truth in a world where lies thrive
to convey a feeling that is cloaked in mystery
to provoke a response from the nonchalant
to empower a nation to act especially now
to provide an anchor in the midst of the storm
to bridge a gap between our amnesiac present and our past
to discover a path that leads others to the Light
We exist to speak life
so don't give in to the voice that says you are worthless
don't succumb to the idea that you have nothing to say
don't embrace feelings that cripple the mind
you are not useless
you are a poet.
So yeah, here I am mourning the loss of my solo levelist lifestyle. There is no one that a person can behave in such a manner and still claim to be single. So I guess after 23 wonderful years of unsprungfulness.
So yeah, I wish I can pinpoint the exact moment but I can't. It's like after writing the whole Woes of a Logical Person 3 I realized OOPS Girl u have it bad. I mean why else would I be mourning the loss of something that hadn't begun.
I'm not entirely sure that I will miss the solo levelist days tho.
Wish mii luck.
When u call him just to hear his voice
When u call him just to hear his voice and forget why u called
When u call him just to hear his voice and forget why u called and then make up a
reason just to stay on the phone
You know your sprung
When u spend your days talking to him
When u spend your days talking to him on your cell phone about trivialities
When u spend your days talking to him on your cell phone about trivialities and he isn't
even in your network
You know your sprung
When his scent arouses you
When his scent arouses you and his eyes sets you on fire
When his scent arouses you and his eyes sets you on fire and he hasn't
even touched you
When u crave his touch
When u crave his touch and dream about his touch
When u crave his touch and dream about his touch and stay in bed just to prolong the
dream about his touch
You know your sprung
When u wrap your arms around him
When u wrap your arms around him after watching a movie at 2 a.m
When u wrap your arms around him after watching a movie at 2 a.m. standing in the
movie theatre parking lot
You know your sprung
When his words render you speechless
When his words render you speechless and cause you to shiver
When his words render you speechless and cause you to shiver even tho' you are sitting in
100 degree weather
You know your sprung
When u spend the whole day with him
When u spend the whole day with him and then talk to him all night
When u spend the whole day with him and then talk to him all night about things that
happened when u spent the whole day with him
You are sooooo sprung.
Something beautiful happened today and in order for mii to say today i have to finish this post in the next 28 minutes so yeah here it goes.
Today my sister who I used to feed when she two,
Today my sister who likes to try on every shoe
Today my sister who fought with me over Champion & Happy Day underwear
Today my sister who likes to dress up in outrageous color and flair
Today my sister who got sick from eating banana cake mix
Today my sister who beat the living daylights out of mii when she was six
Today my sister who made mii cry when my dad spanked her for beating mii up
Today my sister who always tries to dress mii up
Today my sister who played every role in her neverending dramas
Today my sister who knows in detail every childhood trauma
Today my sister who is three inches taller than mii
Today my sister who climbed Guava trees with mii
Today my sister who has the LD on every Naija person we know
Today my sister who knows more about Hillary than Bill wants to know
Today my sister who tried to cage a scorpion with her feet
Today my sister who acts likes she knows everyone she meets
Today my sister who bugs mii 24/7
Today my sister who left home when she was eleven
Today my sister who is too lazy to write her own resume
Today my sister who has fun everyday
Today my sister who is 2 years and 4 months my junior,
Today my sister who knows Makosa like an African Dance major
Today my sister who has dealt with undisciplined Naija children
Today my sister who named chickens and cried when they were eaten
Today my sister who doesn't understand the concept of daytime minutes
Today my sister who thinks that she is the sheeznit
Today my sister who saved mii from being the lastborn
Today my sister who continues to rescue mii from boredom
Today my sister who has an awesome memory
Today my sister who wishes she could drive the Camry
Today my sister, my ONLY baby sister, graduated from college
and if anyone, if one more person including the parents thanks mii for being there I WILL LOSE MY MIND.