Untitled

Torn by love
the cords created by love

How can it be
When will it be
How does it happen
When does it happen

We were one for a while
Hearts beating in sync
I felt your every move
You were a part of mii
The day I gave you life
I also birthed unhatched agony

Over the years, I've watched you grow
Teaching you everything I know
Each lesson strengthened your wings
Each warning illuminated your path
Each rite of passage was a mountain
scaled on this journey away from mii


Bolstering your courage
Widening the chasm
Weakening our bond
Stretching the cord

and now it's broken,
this cord created
by love is now torn by love



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Yesterday I went to a friend's wedding and the undercurrents were swift.
The tension could cut through titanium metal without making a sound.
So many words unspoken, demands ignored, prayers unanswered,
So yeah, watching the mother of the bride these words came.
They don't encapsulate all of the emotions,
but instead give voice to one.

You name it.

Silence

Bewilderment has laid seige to my brain.

I was going to launch into an explanation of Woes III but the experience is too fresh and my brain is muddled. Muddled, NO! more like frantic, it's like my brain is scared of Bewilderment who is two seconds aware of taking over the castle and because of this Brain is acting like the inhabitants of Gondor (The White City in Lord of the Rings) running around defenseless with no plan. Seriously. When I try and gather my lil' peons together, to make sense of it all (that is what we logical people do) the formation ends up more screwed. So yeah, I guess I should just let it simmer until Aragorn comes or the city falls to Sauron.

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I have issues with silence. There is this guy who is great at silences and it drives mii loco. Seriously. I could be giving him the latest family drama and he is so silent. MERCY!!!. It's like HELLO!!!
Are you there??? Sometimes I am left wondering if he is even listening. I remember when we first started talking it used to drive me nuts but now I kinda cherish those moments. I embrace them (most of the time) because I know him. I know that after the silence comes this response that is like a Stradivarius violin, carefully and uniquely crafted for mii (and my animated ridden situation).

I have issues with silence. In church last week when a lady said that it is beautiful to just be able to sit next to a person and have the deepest conversation without words.
I'M LIKE WHAT!!!(of course I'm in church and can't get up in the middle and start telling her how unrealistic that is) I really did try and imagine just sitting there and having this fulfilling conversation without words but I couldn't. I need words. I like words. I need a response. Any response would do. Seriously a slap, a nudge, a snore, a wink or a tap on my shoulder. One word. Any word.

The Silence of God

Dottie Peoples says when God is silent He's giving us more time to pray.

Micheal Card says that the silence of God can drive a man crazy.

I say that the silence of God is the worst kind of silence.


I call it Senseless Silence. When I say Senseless i'm not talking about it being without reason. No, I'm talking about all the senses being rendered useless. A silence that you can't see or touch or feel or hear or taste. It is there but you can't use any of your other senses to define it. Silence that exists on multiple dimensions. This I think is the Silence of God. Now you may disagree with mii and that is wonderful. I don't fully get it myself so I'll leave you with the words of Mark Jarman.

First forgive the silence
that answers prayer,
Then forgive the prayer
that stains the silence.
Excuse the absence
that feels like presence,
Then excuse the feeling
that insists on presence
Pardon the delay
of revelation
Then ask pardon for revealing
your impatience
Forgive God
for being only a word
Then ask God to forgive
the betrayal of language

Woes of a Logical Person: III

How am I supposed to get over you
When you can't even promise to forget mii


How am I supposed to move on****!8****
When your scent still lingers on my skin

How am I supposed to "see other people"
When I am just beginning to see you

How am I supposed to dream again*!*8***
When you are still the man of my dreams

How am I supposed to plan forever
When forever doesn't include you


How am I supposed to love again***** ****
When I haven't even fallen in love with you

Solutions to Woes of a Logical Person: III

How am I supposed to get over you
When you can't even promise to forget mii
I will get in a train wreck and force myself to
suffer permanent loss of my short term memory

How am I supposed to move on
When your scent still lingers on my skin
I will learn to swim and remain in the pool
until my skin begins to smell of chlorine

How am I supposed to "see other people"
When I am just beginning to see you
I will switch to contacts and begin
to have contact with millions

How am I supposed to dream again
When you are still the man of my dreams
I will have many unresolved issues right before
I go to bed and will spend my dreams solving them


How am I supposed to plan forever
When it doesn't include you
Planning forever is ludricous it hasn't worked yet
so stop thinking and planning MERCY!

How am I supposed to love again
When I haven't even fallen in love with you
Hmmmmm this is a tough one
I'll have to get back to you

Things out of proportion

Yeah,
I got disillusioned.
My passion for politics disappeared,
It seems like after the rage that defined May came the resignation of June.
I think
It has something to do with the fantasy of democracy being presented, or maybe
It has something to do with the masquerade called the Supreme Court, or maybe
It has to do with elected leaders that act like they are high on pot, i'm thinking
It has to do with greedy pimps raping my continent in the name of development

hmmm, na bump that
I'm just blowing this out of proportion


but then again,


I did get disillusioned and
there has to be a reason so

I'm convinced
It has something to do with
Commuting jail sentences,
Broken promises and borders,
30 second ads that cost millions,
Politicians that spout yet never act,
Imaginery weapons of mass destruction,
Hours spent on glamourized jail sprung belles,
While mere minutes are spent on fallen soldiers


chill
maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion a lil'

But words are being distorted
and I can't get past it

I'm convinced that
It has something to do with
Genocide being defined as acts of genocide,
Coercion defined as economic sanctions,
Civil war defined as acts of insurgency,
Starvation defined as population control,
Cronyism defined as restructuring,
Imperalism defined as loans,
recommended by the IMF to the Paris Club (who else?)


Breathe in
Breathe out
nah, I'm just blowing things out of proportion

but then again I open my eyes

put on my glasses and

I'm convinced that
Greediness is being portrayed as capitalism,
Reparations as handouts,
Drugs as prescriptions,
Slavery as cheap labor,
Immigrants as aliens,
Nepotism as qualified candidates,
Inflation as economic irregularities,
Segregation as Affirmative Action already achieved,

WAIT
WAIT
WAIT


this isn't real
i'm just blowing things out of proportion

Marital Requirement: #2

I’m tired
Kids love mii

My husband needs to be rich, sterile or house-broken

Here’s the story
There is this lady at my church with this 15-lb 6-month baby boy, Mic, and her regular babysitter (her mom) is out of town so she needed someone to watch Mic this Monday and Tuesday and for some odd reason she thought that I would be perfect. Now as I mentioned earlier, kids love mii, for some reason unbeknownst to mii. So, she asked, and I couldn’t turn her down ‘cuz she was really in a jam and I had nothing else to do so yeah.

So after staying up all of Saturday and Sunday (up all of Saturday night, went to bed around 11 am on Sunday, up by 2 pm, that's my next story) I went to bed around midnight and got up at 7. Monday morning she drops off Mic and for the next 2 hours I tried to decode the tears and sometimes screams emitting from his powerful llungs. Seriously, this kid can wail, one day at church when he was upstairs in the loft I heard him downstairs in the sanctuary above the sounds of all the people in church. SERIOUSLY.

Anywayz his wailing awakens my kids (d Munch (12) and Tiny (7)) and next thing I know they come down the stairs full of advice. I’m like HELLO, I helped raise both of you so STOP with the 2 sec. wisdom sound bites. Around 10 a.m close to my wits end I take him outside and within moments he is asleep (DON’T ASK), it was a miracle. He sleeps for the next 3 hours and I catch a few Zzz’s myself.

When he gets up, I geared and ready to go and able to predict each whimper.

Today was different, when his mom dropped him off he didn’t grab her hair and scream he came to mii willingly. This should have been a warning sign to mii. Three hours later, lil Mic is still awake. Finally around noon he goes down for a nap and is up after 45 mins. I then spend the rest of the day trying to convince him that sleeping is a noble cause and crying is not laudable but Mic isn’t falling for my line.

Here’s the conclusion,
creating kids is easy,
having kids is painful,
watching kids is hectic, time consuming and a full time job

On Monday, it took mii 3 hours to cook rice, stew and dodo, BECAUSE I had to carry him everywhere and it is very hard to fry plantain with one hand and half a body.

I couldn’t even pee. The kid is attached to mii, that whole separation disorder thingy he has it, seriously, this kid is watching mii like a hawk today, and the moment I try and get my nephew to watch him so that I can take care of business his face puckers up, his mouth opens, and because I am trying to avoid the next sound I capitulate.

I capitulate to a 15 lb, 6 month old kid.
UNBELIEVABLE

So basically here is the marital requirement.
He has to be MAD rich so that he can afford househelp to keep the place clean and cook while I care for his offspring
OR
He has to be sterile
thereby supporting my adoption of 3 year old kids who can speak and I don’t have to decode their crying.
OR

He has to be my like dad, house and child broken, basically sharing in the whole diaper-changing, snut-cleaning, food-making, house-cleaning, child-rocking process.



Yep.
Hopefully he exists.