Marital Requirement 1

hmmmm
It's weird how words can mean so many things to various people. In my previous post, Ode to Square One most of y'all assumed i was referring to a person or a tangible sort of love. What really happened is that I was thinking of the status quo. The norm. That comfortable place which you end up returning to when job offer falls thru' and dreams fade. I was trying to recognize the safety net that we end up falling back on time and time again.

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I'm a laidback person.
Okay, maybe laidback is the wrong word to use, more like nonchalant.
So comprising a list of requirements that my future husband has to meet seems ridiculous, given my aforementioned personality trait and the fact that I have no relationship experience whatsoever.
But here I am at 1:55 a.m. thinking of the things he has to have.

Requirement 1: He has to have a good sense of fashion.

This passing Friday night I had a problem. I was preparing to speak at church the next day and I had nothing to wear. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to wear it was just that everything I thought I could wear was constantly getting rejected by the powers-that-be. The powers would be my 2 aunts, niece and grandma.
I pulled out my church uniform, I call it a uniform cuz I would wear it every week if I could get away with it: a black skirt and black jacket. I was immediately was shot down with this chilling look from Aunt #1. Her rationale was that it looked like something that was purchased at Goodwill and that she was terrified that the church might have to take up a special offering for me just so that I didn’t go home in rags.

OUCH.
I then pulled out this beautiful black skirt that I got from Macy’s a while back and immediately Aunt #2 started to laugh. Her hysteria stemmed from the fact that the skirt was just too tight and that the men will be focusing on my wonderful figure instead of the message.
I’m like, r u serious, this is my stable black skirt, the skirt I wore for religiously for over 3 years.

Tiny (my fashion-minded 7 year old niece who gets into arguments with her mom over her wardrobe) liked the skirt but wasn’t feeling the top I wanted to wear with it.
Aunt #1 chimes in and supports Aunt #2 and finally Grandma cast the deciding vote. NO

I found out yesterday from a friend in NC that this skirt that I thought was so wonderful, had the tongues wagging at the Uncle's other church for a while. I had only been there a number of times for combined events but the impression they had was that I was some sort of hoochie who recently joined the church and sang in the choir.

MERCY. ME. HOOCHIE!

Anywayz
I then pull out this red and black jacket I inherited from my sister, Poetic Justice, about 6 years ago. I remember either my mom or PJ bought it for a dollar fifty back in '01. Aunt #1 is okay with it and then I find a black skirt to match and then present myself to Aunt #2 and she did not even have to say a word. The look was sufficient.
I didn’t even ASK what her issue was I just moved on.

And so the night went on and on and on.
Finally we settled on this black mid-calf flare skirt, black tank top, cream jacket, cream pumps and black bag.

What makes this really pathetic is the fact that even tho’ what I eventually ended up wearing was mine, I purchased all the items at separate times with separate people. The black skirt was a favor to my uncle’s grandma who is of the mindset that all my skirts are an abomination, I got it when Aunt #2 and I went out shopping. The cream jacket was also bought during this time. The shoes were purchased when the kid sister was in town a while back and the tank top which I have never worn even though I have had it for over 6 months was bought when the sisters were in town I think. The black bag was bought with the kid sister.
The shoes were painful, mercy they were beautiful but painful. So many times during the service I had this overwhelming urge to ask the congregation if I could take off my shoes but I restrained myself. The miracle was that during the sermon the pain disappeared but the moment I finished speaking it returned in full force.

So it seems that every time I go shopping on my own it is a waste of time.

What really pisses me off is that I put soooo much energy into shopping. I plan it and schedule and STILL I end up with this stuff that raises eyebrows and then half the time I have to return the items.

So not only am I stopping my infrequent, as it is, torture sessions to the mall I am stipulating that my hubby needs to know how to look good without my help.

Hmmmm....

One more thing, does this mean I have to be honest with the bloke (when he miraculously drops out of the sky) and let him know that not only am I fashion illiterate but that I also suffer from wardrobe dysfunctionitis?

10 comments:

Overwhelmed Naija Babe said...

lol... you're such a cutie... i don't even know what to say about this cos i'm a fashion whore... a proud one at that.. always shopping.. as in i'd rather shop than eat.. its that bad... but i hope you sha find this guy oh... lmao... happy easter angel.. i've missed you...

Vixen said...

Wardrobe dysfunctionitis? That's definitely a new one...FUNNY! I can imagine the viewing party. Your wardrobe needs to be overhauled. Luckily for you the Powers that Be keep you in line. I miss you!

azuka said...

As fashion goes, I'm completely clueless. My rational is, if it's comfortable, it gets worn...

The Life of a Stranger called me said...

Ok, I guess you will need to separate your wardrobe. The hutchi clothes culd be day wear with dressed down shoes (in fact I need to see them LOL), then the churchi garments and the evning wear. Cause Im sure most of the stuff you have are good evening wear, you just need to choose carfeully your churchy wear thats all.

Thoroughly loved your post.

Have a blessed week

Poetic Justice said...

OKay I have done my best to educate you on the shopping aspect, In fact I have done my best to help said wardrobe. I leave you to God now sister!

Hopefully you don't find soemone that becomes so metro sexual and into dressing that he realizes ten years from now (or less) that he is gay. Then you will have to get a divorce.

Which we all know you don't want. So instead of giving God ultimatums or looking at well dressed guys, realize that you have to change yourself. i.e. fix the wardrobe "dysfunction"

Kafo said...

@ overwhelmed: Lol, u don't feel my pain, it's okay.

@ vixen: i try. how is the akara?

@ azuka: guyz get by with almost anything. mercy if u guyz pay too much attention they say u r gay.

@ lifeofaStranger: finally constructive advice. thanks jare

@ PJ: hmmmmm that is all i can say.
actually that is a lie. i have more too say. First i am not giving God ultimatums mercy where did u get that idea from.
Second, i am NOT looking at well dressed guyz.
Third i am NOT changing mii just to fit a particular pre-defined norm. I am mii if some guy can't get past the sack then it sucks to be him
Fourthly i am not requiring my hubby to be Brad Pitt when it comes to dressing i am just saying that he shouldn't expect mii to pick out a tie that matches a stripped shirt for his next business meeting. I don't have those abilities.

Fifthly Some females do and others don't and people like u make it seem like ppl like mii have issues just cuz we r not fashion savvy.

Finally, what is your problem?

Noni Moss said...

Lolll - PJ is your sister? I am slow. :-)

As for your fashion sense - LMAO - YOUR UNCLE'S Church thought you were a hoochie?? hahahaha

Please I dont send anymore what people dthink of my dress code. They've had years to get to used to it. So much so that when I'm decent, people are surprised! :-D Do you. Your future man would love your for your kooky fashin dsyfunctionitis ;-)

Kafo said...

@ PJ: didn't we have this discussion, i am not your sister oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Mercy it is the internet that is how gbomogbomo will carry and they will come to mii for ransom cuz they THINK we are family.
hmmmmm :(

Poetic Justice said...

OHHHHHHH you are my sister get that through your stupid head! Na de same papa and mama born you born mi! Abeg na so human being dey get disowned! Gbomogbomo ko, gbokogboko ni!

Kafo said...

wokoma
wokowoko
gboko gboko
ha
remember ur boy who slept on the roof of the car
HA
LOL