Your lips caress my neck as you speak.
Tantalizing thoughts race thru’ my mind
and shivers down my spine.
You whisper in my ear,
sweet nothings that mean everything.
I touch you,
You touch mii,
not pawing or in a sick puppy love manner.
No, your touch is soft and subtle,
like your trying to memorize each curve.
Oblivious to the stares
that chronicle each movement with envy.
Unaware of time
As it ticks away and crystallizes our union.
Unconsciously we move as one
drawing closer with each step.
Your lips caress my neck as you speak.
I wish I could have teleported all of you there so that you could witness a miracle. I was a nervous wreck the whole day. I was busy the whole day involved in this seminar at church, which was a blessing in disguise, because it took my mind off of the whole Fusion event.
God is good.
Sometimes I forget and need reminding.
At the end people didn’t want to leave and started singing a bunch of songs just to keep it going. The atmosphere was positive and even tho’ there were some songs that people didn’t know they still were involved.
The skits were my biggest worry b’cuz the first practice occurred 30 min. before the show but everyone performed their part without a hitch.
God is good.
My church family is wonderful and that is putting it lightly, we had all been in church all day and were tired because of the seminar, like seriously we left church around 5:30 pm yet they were all their at 7, old and young. Not only were they there in person, they were also their in spirit. I mean there is this Elder who hugged mii at the exact moment I needed it, he has NEVER hugged mii before, he is like mii, no touchy feely stuff.
The theme of unity was maintained thru out the program and later people were asking when the next one was going to be and stuff like that.
So thank you all for your prayers and encouragement.
Right now I thinking Psalm 73, God is good, good to the good hearted, good to good people but i nearly missed it missed seeing his goodness, i was lookiing the other way, looking up the people at the top...
If I got to heaven and find out that Osama was the choir leader I would have no problem.
If I got to heaven and find out that Hilter and Saddam were my dad’s roommates I would have no problem (word is that there is no marriage in heaven so mom can’t stay with my dad sad)
If I got to heaven and find out that some Pharisee made it I might pop a vein.
I have no problem with evil people, but hypocrites who masquerade as angels of light make me want to scream. Especially when they are in MY church.
Sometimes I wish I had the power to stay angry, but then I remember PJ chasing Junior around the house with a broomstick and I retract that wish.
My fury is gone. It didn’t even last 24 hours. Sad. Anywayz here’s the story
A couple of months back I had this crazy idea that the youth in my denomination in Indy needed to unite, i figured throwing a combined youth rally would set the ball rolling. I mean the older generation really wasn’t doing anything about it, so I thought that it fell to the youth to set things right. We have over 12 churches in Indy and on any given Sabbath none of them are full, so I'm wondering why do I get on a plane and travel thousands of miles to a conference to unite the youth across the U.S. when those in my city aren’t united. I mean the black churches do things together sometimes and the whites do something together sometimes but never have we all come together and just praised God. NEVER
I talked it over with a number of people, just to gauge the temp. of the city and they were all excited about the idea.
So I start stalking this Pastor in the white conference (even tho’ we r in the same city. The black churches belong to another conference than the white ones do) because he helped start a similar event at one of our universities and he is a talented musician. (I have no artistic or musical skills whatsoever so having him on board was crucial.) He eventually returns my call and a couple of weeks we get together with other youth leaders and start planning this event.
Now I am a P.K (Pastor’s Kid) so I know all about Pastoritis and turfs battles, so I called all the pastors in the black conference and basically gave them a heads up and asked for their church’s youth leader information.
One pastor, Pastor X, chose not to get back to me but I found his youth leader info. thru’ the vine and started stalking her until she came to a meeting.
So we pick a date, pick a location and create the fliers.
Then we gave the youth leaders various fliers to distribute in their church. Pastor X's youth leader forgot in all her excitement to debrief Pastor X, so he sees the fliers and basically has a mini stroke.
The next time they have their Pastors meeting he says in a round about way that he isn’t supporting the event because no one informed him and that it is just the white people’s way of trying to use our youth.
Now I really wish I can give you a background on this man but he is pastor so bad mouthing him isn’t kosher and he is like older than my dad so yeah there is the whole respect thing. I mean I might say something and God could send the 2 bears in 2 Kings to eat mii. NOT GOOD.
Anywayz to cut the long story short
He is boycotting
His wife who is the praise team leader who previously agreed to sing is boycotting
His praise team is boycotting
His youth leader is boycotting
His church is boycotting cuz he told her to return the WHITE flyers. He thinks the flyers are WHITE because they look too good to be BLACK.
To add insult to injury he schedules a “Spirit of Unity” choir practice to start 2 hours before our event. (Spirit of Unity is when the five black churches get together and try and convince each other that we don't hate each other)
So yeah I was mad, It’s the whole EXPECTATION thing.
I expect pastors to think not of their egos but of their parishioners.
I expect pastors to forgive and let live.
I expect pastors not to seek vengeance.
I expect pastors not to be prejudicial.
I expect pastors not to be paranoid of white pastors.
I expect pastors not to be concerned about monetary gain.
Basically I expect pastors to be like my dad and uncle. I'm not naive, I know pastors r humans just like everyone else, I lived with them all my life. They get mad but to instruct every member of their congregation to boycott an event and then schedule another event to validate his excuse.
So yeah I was furious
O and to make matters worse
His youth leader had to audacity to tell mii that the praise team will not be able to sing because of a “Prior commitment”. She had the guts to come to the meeting and say that she couldn’t promote the event in her church because the praise team which has about 8 members had a prior commitment
I have connections with the music directors at a number of churches and I found out that this prior commitment thing did not create itself till four days after the fliers were passed out. Yet now all the choir members from the black churches (5 out of 12) are supposed to be at this prior commitment thingy
What really really got to mii was the fact that I went out of the regular Kafo way of doing things to included everyone. I was nice to people, i called them, emailed them, stalked them, left messages. I normally don't embark on a mission until I am sure that all the i's are dotted but this time around I was the energeizer bunny, walking up to random people and introducing myself and getting their number. I just didn't expect the opposition to come from within the church leadership, 'cuz i thought i adequately scratched their back. Sad :(
I have given this event everything I am and then some that now i have lost my enthusiam. I am blank. I have to say a few words on Sabbaath and normally the problem is putting a clamp on all the various ideas and sticking to the theme, but now i am empty and i am laying the blame at Pastor X's feet. Now a part of mii wants this to succeed not for God's glory but just to piss off Pastor X. Sad.
I was hoping that Junior (Junior is my kid sister who is basically infectious happiness) would come down from school and rub off on mii but she can't cuz she needs to save money for some punk's (PJ) graduation.
So the event is this Saturday at 7p.m. and a part of mii is scared that it will flop but then my uncle says it is better to fail at something that will eventually succeed than succeed at something that will eventually fail.
I have repeated this over and over again and I think I have managed to convince myself that even if we only have 50 people instead of the expected 350 God’s name will be praised.
So pray for mii oooooo
I am beyond furious
If Fury was a cliff
I just jumped off
I am soo beyond fury that if something terrible happened to the object of my fury I would rejoice.
I am soo beyond fury that if the wife, NO the son, NO the cousin, NO if anyone who remotely likes the object of my fury were to STEP to mii at this moment I would do something evil and laugh about it.
Dang I am soo beyond fury that if the object of my fury were to walk up to me at this point I would curse him out.
I am soo beyond fury that I am soo beyond caring that being eaten by Yogi and his twin brother don’t faze mii at all.
I am soo beyond fury that I chased Logic out and Reason has fled in fear.
I am soo beyond fury that I have tears streaming down my face.
I am soo beyond fury that the mention of the event causes me to cringe.
I am soo beyond fury that I have an overwhelming desire to scream.
I am soo beyond fury that I can’t pick up my phone for fear of cursing an innocent soul out.
I am soo beyond fury that I can’t open my door cuz b'hind it stands a beautiful six year old.
I am soo beyond fury that I can't even talk about it.
Mercy, I am soo beyond fury that I have run out of words.
It's weird how words can mean so many things to various people. In my previous post, Ode to Square One most of y'all assumed i was referring to a person or a tangible sort of love. What really happened is that I was thinking of the status quo. The norm. That comfortable place which you end up returning to when job offer falls thru' and dreams fade. I was trying to recognize the safety net that we end up falling back on time and time again.
I'm a laidback person.
Okay, maybe laidback is the wrong word to use, more like nonchalant.
So comprising a list of requirements that my future husband has to meet seems ridiculous, given my aforementioned personality trait and the fact that I have no relationship experience whatsoever.
But here I am at 1:55 a.m. thinking of the things he has to have.
Requirement 1: He has to have a good sense of fashion.
This passing Friday night I had a problem. I was preparing to speak at church the next day and I had nothing to wear. It’s not that I didn’t have anything to wear it was just that everything I thought I could wear was constantly getting rejected by the powers-that-be. The powers would be my 2 aunts, niece and grandma.
I pulled out my church uniform, I call it a uniform cuz I would wear it every week if I could get away with it: a black skirt and black jacket. I was immediately was shot down with this chilling look from Aunt #1. Her rationale was that it looked like something that was purchased at Goodwill and that she was terrified that the church might have to take up a special offering for me just so that I didn’t go home in rags.
I then pulled out this beautiful black skirt that I got from Macy’s a while back and immediately Aunt #2 started to laugh. Her hysteria stemmed from the fact that the skirt was just too tight and that the men will be focusing on my wonderful figure instead of the message.
I’m like, r u serious, this is my stable black skirt, the skirt I wore for religiously for over 3 years.
Tiny (my fashion-minded 7 year old niece who gets into arguments with her mom over her wardrobe) liked the skirt but wasn’t feeling the top I wanted to wear with it.
Aunt #1 chimes in and supports Aunt #2 and finally Grandma cast the deciding vote. NO
I found out yesterday from a friend in NC that this skirt that I thought was so wonderful, had the tongues wagging at the Uncle's other church for a while. I had only been there a number of times for combined events but the impression they had was that I was some sort of hoochie who recently joined the church and sang in the choir.
MERCY. ME. HOOCHIE!
I then pull out this red and black jacket I inherited from my sister, Poetic Justice, about 6 years ago. I remember either my mom or PJ bought it for a dollar fifty back in '01. Aunt #1 is okay with it and then I find a black skirt to match and then present myself to Aunt #2 and she did not even have to say a word. The look was sufficient.
I didn’t even ASK what her issue was I just moved on.
And so the night went on and on and on.
Finally we settled on this black mid-calf flare skirt, black tank top, cream jacket, cream pumps and black bag.
What makes this really pathetic is the fact that even tho’ what I eventually ended up wearing was mine, I purchased all the items at separate times with separate people. The black skirt was a favor to my uncle’s grandma who is of the mindset that all my skirts are an abomination, I got it when Aunt #2 and I went out shopping. The cream jacket was also bought during this time. The shoes were purchased when the kid sister was in town a while back and the tank top which I have never worn even though I have had it for over 6 months was bought when the sisters were in town I think. The black bag was bought with the kid sister.
The shoes were painful, mercy they were beautiful but painful. So many times during the service I had this overwhelming urge to ask the congregation if I could take off my shoes but I restrained myself. The miracle was that during the sermon the pain disappeared but the moment I finished speaking it returned in full force.
So it seems that every time I go shopping on my own it is a waste of time.
What really pisses me off is that I put soooo much energy into shopping. I plan it and schedule and STILL I end up with this stuff that raises eyebrows and then half the time I have to return the items.
So not only am I stopping my infrequent, as it is, torture sessions to the mall I am stipulating that my hubby needs to know how to look good without my help.
One more thing, does this mean I have to be honest with the bloke (when he miraculously drops out of the sky) and let him know that not only am I fashion illiterate but that I also suffer from wardrobe dysfunctionitis?
We’ve broken up so many times,
That I have started to lose count.
I am familiar with every curve of your chiseled frame,
Yet I leave you brokenhearted time and time again.
One would expect you to hate mii.
People would applaud if you reject mii.
You've been advised to cast mii out because of my deceitfulness,
But you always welcome mii with your warm embrace.
You never raise your voice, instead
You extend your arms in a gesture of love.
O how I love to hate you.
Your shadow soothes my mind and soul.
Because it masks the pain that is apparent in my bearing.
Stooped shoulders and blood-shot eyes,
Sweaty palms and tear-stained cheeks,
Are all embraced in your beautiful darkness.
I come to you to lick my wounds.
I arrive at your doorstep
when Disappointment is flying high,
Dreams come crashing to the ground,
and when Gravity refuses to let Hope fly.
I am broken and yet you still love mii.
Thank you, for loving mii.