Avoidance 101

My phone rings at 12:43pm.
WEIRD cuz everyone knows I'll still in the process of waking up
I check the caller ID and smile.
I pick up

Hello
Hi, Princess
Hi, Beautiful
How are you?
I’m fine. How are you? Where are you?
Okay, I’m at Babcock
Hmmm I see.
You always pick up when I call. I knew you would pick up, I thought of who to call and said you will also pick up regardless of the time, you are such a different breed.
Of course, I’ll pick up
How are your sisters?
They are alive I think.
I dunno I don't care about them, shu

Kafo! (she laughs)
Okay okay
They are fine. Junior called mii last nite but my phone was off, she still doesn’t know what to do about the whole driver’s license Elhkart thing. I spoke to BBG the day before last, she is okay and I emailed Spiderella, she’s fine. They are all fine. So what’s going on? (I had to ask cuz she never calls in the middle of the day just to chat)
How old is Bola Female?
Ummmm I think between 28-30, I remember when she was 28 I think it was around your graduation or last year, I'm not sure. Maybe 32 worst case scenerio Why?
There is a person here is who asking about her.
I see
Do I know this person?

Is she coming for your sister’s wedding? AVOIDANCE #1(I learnt how to avoid answering questions from her, she is the queen)
I don’t think so
Why

I think she is going to Naija with her mom in may?
Ahhh, I see.
Why are you asking?
Why are they coming in May, they should just wait till August? AVOIDANCE #2
I dunno. I think they made their plans before my sister set her date.
I haven’t spoken to her since the Cali fiasco.
Are you trying to match make her with someone?

SILENCE
So how are you? AVOIDANCE #3
I am fine
Are you sure?
I'm broke
You are never broke (ahh not quite, I'm always broke I just never tell u)
True, cuz I'm good like that
Well you haven't worked in a while.
Hmmm, I'll c what I can do
Do I know this person?
Hello
SILENCE
Mommy
Yes daughter
Mercy. I didn’t know you did this, I knew your husband did, but you? I mean matchmaking is sooo not your expertise.
Anyway sha wonders shall never cease.

Mommy. na wa ooooo!
I am trying to reach BBG, AVOIDANCE #4
My dad must be rubbing off on you.
she is not picking up her phone. AVOIDANCE #5
True, her cell phone is dead. AGAIN! You can call her on the house phone tho. The number is 123-456-7890. Let mii try and connect you.

RING RING RING
She isn't picking up
I think she is in school tho.
I'll tell her to call you.
Bye family.
Bye Princess.
Bye.
***************************************************

My mom, my wonderful mind-her-business mom.
My quiet, beautiful, introvert mom called me JUST to find out my sister's-friend's age. Unbelievable.
For real.
My mom is soooo busy dealing with all the wayward kids in her university that to call in the middle of the work week just to chat is bizarre, this is something more along my dad's territory. I mean He calls just to hear my voice at the craziest times.
I mean the only time she calls me in the middle of the week, is if she had a dream or needs to reach one of my ever ELUSIVE sisters
(they NEVER pick up their phone when THEIR mother calls and then they call mii and try and get the uplink)


Here is the thing that got mii, she was able to NOT tell mii what i was trying to find out soooooo bad.
She is goooood!

I didn't even realize that I didn't get the person's name until after I dropped the phone
I'll call in reinforcements (the sisters) and we WILL succeed on Sunday.



Two thumbs up, mother
Two thumbs way up!


Deepest Fears: I

So I am thinking that by giving voice to my fears
I will strip them of their power
So I'm calling them all out one by one

FEAR I
*****************************************
wwWaking up and realizing
wwthat I am utterly alone
wwThat no one really knows mii
wwThat even to those I "love"

wwI still remain a mystery
*****************************************

This is what we crave
---to be known
---to look into the world and identify with another being
---to have someone as a witness to every moment
------Happy or sad
------Jubilant or sorrowful
------Success or failure

The need to know we can share
The need to know they will listen
The need to know they accept us as we are
It is what drives us to find "love"
We spend our entire lives trying to find
The human witness

I don't,
I don't spend time trying to share.
I spend my time building up walls.
I tell people on a need-to-know basis.
I share frivolous details,
the inconsequential happenings of my life.
Their burdens I can bare,
but mine are kept under lock and key.
As if sharing with them would burden them.
As if sharing with them would make mii weak.

Untitled:- Part 2

Stealing blessings
Subduing willpower
Silencing testimonies
Seeping into every pore
Shutting down aspirations
Spoiling that which hasn’t been born

Who are you?
You are a part of mii
The part that shelters me from impending doom
You made mii strong and guided mii thru' the storm
NO!
You made mii think I was strong and guided mii to the storm

I should let you out but you cling to my being
I need to banish you but to do that I will have to kill a part of mii
In order to banish you I must die
In order to banish you I must die to self
Am I brave enough to watch mii die?

Look, I should just call you by your real name
End this fantasy, set the record straight
But you are imbedded deep in my psyche
If I let you go will I still be mii
Or will I be empty?
...

Duping, Deterring
Deceiving, Destroying, Demanding
Tenacious bastard get the funk out of my life

You are a master of disguise

You came to mii in broad daylight
Dressed as Logic, you had mii fooled
Logic is my partner in crime
We discuss every minute detail
I can’t make a decision without him
I thought you were him and that we were friends
I thought we could sit down have a rational discussion
But I was mistaken, I underestimated you

You came to mii in the middle of the night
Masquerading as Anger, you had mii fooled
Anger and I are well acquainted
You see, we once were roommates
I wore her clothes and she ran my errands
I thought you were her and this a familiar nightmare
I thought I could deal with you in the same manner
But I was mistaken, I underestimated you

You were
Masked by my excuses
Fueled by my emotions
Fed by my insecurities
Buried deep underneath the noise

But thank God
The noise is gone
I can finally hear and see
I now know who you really are

Your name is FEAR
and I am calling you out
out of my way
and out of my life

This will be hard, but it can be done.
This will be hard, and it must be done.

Predictable Phone calls

I was really going to finish with the previous post this week (i apologize for the delay Mack) but then I had to make a phone call today.
I hate phone calls, especially the ones I have to make.
The ones in which I know exactly what the person on the other line will say.
I hate predictable phone calls.
Calls to family members I can do,
Calls to long-forgotten friends I can manage,
Calls to people I don’t care about are the easiest ones to make, Mercy, I excel at them.

I know you are thinking why do you have to call when you know what the person will say?
I call because I am stupid.
Wow! Slow down girl, what do you mean you are stupid? I mean you are one of the smartest people I know.
Am I?
What do you call a person who keeps on getting the door repeatedly slammed in their face?
What do you call a person who keeps on talking when the audience has fallen asleep?
What do you call a person who keeps on reading the never-ending story?
Who keeps on -
Praying for heat in Siberia?
Filling a basket with water?
Singing to a deaf mute?
Cleaning a pig?

I really need to believe that smart people know when to stop. Being that I don’t know when to stop, I can’t be smart, and if I am not smart then I must be stupid.

Anyway back to the phone story.
The only thing worse than making the phone call is not making the phone call. 'Cuz then the only thing on my mind is
"R they gonna say what i think they will say or will it be different this time."
And as much as I love thinking about things, thinking about what another person is thinking just drives mii nuts.

Normally I don't have to make this phone call but recently in the last year or so I find myself constantly embraking on this fruitless mission. Y'all know how it ends.
“You were a good candidate but sorry we found someone whose skills are more suitable.”
“All our positions are filled at this point, but we will keep your resume on file.”
“Your qualifications are admirable, but regrettably we are looking for someone with less credentials. ”
“We are sorry that we are not able to accept you at this point, but we wish you luck as you continue to pursue your dreams.”
And the platitudes continue.


What makes a wise man act like a fool?
Hope

I'm beginning to hate you, Hope.

Untitled:- Part I

Daily u grow
Raping my soul
Rejoicing in my agony

Embracing hate
Renouncing love
Accepting despair
Relinquishing hope

Feasting on sorrow
Thriving on injustice
Feeding on life’s anguish
Floating on perceived grievances
Slaking your thirst at my fountain of misery

Supported by failures
Nourished by the cycle
Cultivated by fake inadequacies
Sustained by today’s disappointments
Fostered by a system striving to define mii
Persuaded by the laws designed to confine mii

Suppressing joy
Stifling all laughter
Stretching trivialities
Smothering all the tears
Stressing suicidal thoughts
Straining the drops of delight
Substituting reality with fantasy
Seducing slowly the heart and mind
Sustaining the lies that tear my soul apart
Sapping the remaining strength from my core

Who are you?
What is your name?
Where did you come from?


I should
I should chase you out
I should chase you out and banish you
I should chase you out and banish you from my being

I should chase you out and banish you from my being.


Copyright ©2007 Kafo